Drifting in the Space of Ramblings

Ramblings About Women

"There are things I remember now that were completely lost. I'm glad to be able to remember everything, it seems like my brain activated memories that were suppressed for decades. There were so many women in my life and so few really significant ones.

Luiza was a companion girl, we were friends, we never dated. She was the most caring person I knew. I still remember the white dress she wore when I met her, at my cousin's fifteenth birthday party. I can smell her scent inside my helmet. She treated me better than anyone I knew, but we never got involved.

"Carla... Oh Carla... I'm sorry for asking you to do that."

I try not to think about Carla, about her nervous breakdowns and the habit she had of drinking water during the night. She always woke me up. I liked talking to her, we didn't have many things in common, so we paid a lot of attention to each other. Different worlds, different stories... It was interesting.

I was afraid of our involvement, it ended when I was twenty-two, it started when I was seventeen. At first, I didn't have the slightest desire to date her. We got used to being together, for a long time it was all we had. Each other. I couldn't stand her jealousy... She couldn't stand my determination from an early age to become an astronaut.

"You dream too much," she said, "I don't want to be with someone who only knows how to dream and does nothing!"

Silvana was different, she was the best person I ever met. I lied to her. Did I lie? Sometimes memory fails, but not for long. I may not have lied, but I was a tremendous jerk. After everything that happened between us, I just wanted to run away. I looked at the rocket that would serve as my transport to the space station and said "Take me away" and remembered Silvana at that moment even after years.

My mother was also an important woman in my life. Controlling, methodical, and tough. Almost like a robot. I nicknamed the little robot we controlled remotely on the space station "Mom". I realize now that I came to space to get away from the women in my life a bit, not that it's their fault.

Rachel is a good girl, she probably knows by now that I'm not coming back. I wish I could send her a Morse Code message, the people at the station would tell her "I'm sorry, don't wait for me. Live!"

I wish I knew how Luiza is doing today.

I wish I could have one last conversation with Carla.

I wish I could apologize to Silvana.

I wish I could try to make things work with Rachel.

I wish I could say the things that have been stuck in my throat for years to my mother.

But now it's too late.

I close my eyes. I think of their faces and try to remember every detail fondly.