Rose Thorns & Love Letters

35 ➪ Love, Irene

•Camilla•

1888
My husband discovered your existence this evening. I am running away. Do not come after me.
Love, Irene

_________________

Have you ever felt so utterly alone in the world, not even the stars that decorate the night's sky keep you company? You know that somber feeling where it feels like the last time you heard a voice other than your own was years ago?

Well if you are one of the lucky beings on this planet who have not experienced this feeling, let me break it down for you.

For the past week, I have woken up in the morning feeling tired. I love my sleep. I manage up to 10 hours of sleep a night, yet still, I wake up fucking tired. Tired of what— I'm not too sure.

This endless cycle of heartbreak from people I would trade my life for? This feeling of emptiness that never fails to haunt me, chase me, and catch me no matter how far I run or how well I hide?

I go to College and surround myself with familiar faces and voices. Faces and voices that once upon a lovely time brought me laughter and joy. Now merely batting an eyelid at an attempted joke comes natural.

I drive home and hold the probability of making it home safe in my very hands. The thought of accidentally slipping off the road or accidentally losing control over the wheel no longer scaring me to an early grave.

I pick up a book or a novel in hopes to adopt a life that is not my own, even if it is only for a few hours. Words spread out on a page no longer able to bring me thrill, exhilaration, or even a smile to my face.

I have a meal and with every swallow, I am reminded of the man who I went from hugging, kissing, and travelling with to not seeing for an entire week. No contact, no sign of life. My mind tells me to accept the rejection, but my heart still wonders if he has thought to eat.

That is what it's like to feel utterly alone in the world.

My eyes flutter shut as the soothing sensation of hot water dances on my skin. The initial shock disappearing as I sink into the heated bathtub and allow my head fall back onto the surface behind me.

The wind howls in a distance, but for some odd reason, this only brings me more tranquility. The smell of vanilla and lavender essence engulfs my nostrils and despite the sheer heat of the water, small mountains of pleasure rise on my skin.

My body relaxes as I allow the water to absorb all the events of my day and enjoy the last two hours the age of 19 presents me. It is not everyday that I choose to get in the bath this late. Tonight felt different, I guess.

The bathroom is dark and silent, save for the dimly lit candle burning beside the tub as well as the silver moonshine casted in through the window and the faint sound of a clock ticking in my bedroom despite the door being closed.

My right leg folds as I elevate my knee, disrupting the equilibrium of the calm water and separating the airy bubbles. The foam sticks to my leg and the moon's glow makes it glitter incredibly.

The ticks of the clock sounding from my bedroom is only a reminder of the limited time I have left as a teenager. The limited time I have left of being able to make stupid decisions like telling someone I met less than six months ago I love them.