Shadows Lurking | Taylor Swift Fanfic

17: I h a t e i t h e r e

I hate it here so I will go to
secret gardens in my mind
People need a key to get to
The only one is mine

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                             ⚠️TW⚠️

This chapter contains mentions of SH.

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The blade cut deep. Amerie had started to self harm.

It was a tingling sensation riding the blade across her wrist gentle scratches, but still stung like hell.

Taylor was sat on call to her mother, in the living room of their UK £3 million cottage they had rented out for the UK tours.

"I'm worried about Amy, she's been distant, she's always in her room, she is barely talking to me, she's refusing hugs, flinches when.. I go near her. She's not normally like this... I-I.. can't read her, she's hiding, masking her emotions... her autism. I just... I don't know what I'm supposed to do" Taylor spoke with worry laced in her soft voice. You could tell she was stressed, anxious, nervous from how she was fidgeting with her fingers and biting on her nails.

Amerie walking down in search for a bandaid she could use, she had slightly nicked herself to far it started to prickle with blood. Only the slightest, but a bandaid would hold some pressure.

"Amerie.. sweetie how are you?" Taylor asked softly.

"Fine" Amerie replied coldly not making any eye contact with her Mom and immediately went to search through the drawers in the hallway.

Taylor sighed not knowing how to break into Amerie's mother proof walls of brick that had been built high.

Amerie rummaged through the drawers chucking everything out on the floor not even placing them back, she didn't care she just needed what she was looking for.

The silent footsteps of her mother slowly creeped up.

"Amerie... what are you looking for maybe I can help, instead of chucking everything out the drawers" Taylor said placing a hand on her daughter's shoulder, in which her Amerie pushed off.

"Okay Amerie.. if you're not going to speak to me I can't really help" Taylor said with a touch of upset, not at her daughter, but more for her daughter.

Amerie found the pack of bandaids and retreated back to her room.

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Sat on her bed with the blade from a pencil sharpener in her hand Amerie slowly scratched away at her skin leaving to red.

She was too scared to go any deeper, she didn't want it to hurt even worse. Pain was something Amerie was sensitive to, often leading to sensory overloads or meltdowns.
A light scratch isn't that much harm? Is it...

Amerie shook off her thoughts and placed the blade in her pencil case.

"Amerie you need to stop being so childish and stupid, talk to your Mom" Amerie thought to herself.

Maybe her thoughts were right, she should talk to her Mom. But were her other thoughts right as well? The ones that screamed at her saying she was a disappointment and an embarrassment. Which ones were she supposed to believe?

She thought about writing it in a song, then showing her Mom. Maybe she should do that? But she wouldn't want to be an embarrassment, because her voice sounded like a dying rat according to critics on the internet, whom she believed.

Amerie decided to be brave and talk to her Mom, heading out of the room she claimed to be hers in the cottage they were renting.

Her Mom was sat at the piano a staple piece in the cottage in the countryside of the UK.

"Momma.." Amerie said quietly leaning up against the piano.

"Hi sweetie" Taylor said turning her head to her daughter.

Amerie sat down on the long piano bench next to her Mom, her back facing the piano keys and her head facing down at her hands that she fidgeted with.

"What would you do if you had big feelings and didn't know how to talk about them?" Amerie asked shyly.

"I would usually write a song about them. Are you having big confusing feelings?" Taylor asked with sympathy.

"Something like that.." Amerie sighed.

"Oh sweetheart, I'm glad you came to me. If they are hard to talk about let's see if writing a song may help." Taylor said opening her notebook and passing Amerie a pen.

"I'm not sure what to write though" Amerie said, which wasn't exactly true. She wanted to write how she had taken a sharp object and stabbed herself a thousand times to take away the pain of feeling like a disappointment, but that would sound too worrying.

"Write down anything like colours, objects, feelings" Taylor said.

Silver Metal, scratches.
Stung like nettles.

These lines were scribbled down onto the paper.

Took a blade and cut myself a billion times.

Amerie kept scribbling down lyrics, till she released she had wrote.
"I'VE BEEN SELF HARMING." In bit bold letters, it was laced into the chorus. It fit, but didn't fit.. because it wasn't supposed to be revealed.

Taylor looked over and panic woke in her.

"Mom..." Amerie said rolling up her sleeve, tears pouring out her eyes.

"Amerie..." Taylor said trying to be brave, she knew her daughter was hurting so she had to be strong for her.

"I promise I'll stop, it's not deep it's just scratches, it's not a big deal, others have it worse, it wasn't even that painful, it's not that harmful because these won't scar unless I pick the scabs, which hurts so I won't do that, I'm sorry.. I'm sorry I promise I'll stop" Amerie rambled.

"Amy calm down..." Taylor said, there it was again Amy. Now Amerie knew her Mom was 100% worried about her mental health. She was probably planning to put her in an asylum or some hospital for deranged weirdos like her. Amerie shook off her thoughts when she was pulled into a hug.

"Thank you for telling me, even if it took some time and you told me through writing a song, you were still brave to tell me. I just want you to be okay and healthy. I need you to give me whatever you used" Taylor said calmly.

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A/N:

I wanted to raise awareness to this as autistic people are more vulnerable to self harm, suicide and eating disorders.

We have such intense emotions and have such desire for control and perfection we often take up unhealthy habits.

If you do struggle with any of these please don't hesitate to ask for help from a parent, or a trusted friend or adult. It may seem scary, but you are not alone.