scoring you

Chapter 29

Nothing inside of me is working properly, my organs, my heart, anything.

I wake up in a cold sweat on an early Thursday morning, too early.

I drag myself out of bed, it's practically an exercise to do I've been pushing my body to it's absolute limit lately to be prepared for this very day.

I've been dreading it like the plague.

I think I'd rather have the plague.

I don't have time to go to the gym this morning considering my plane is at 8' o clock, instead I make up my own routine on the carpet of my living room.

Sweat pulses off my pale skin.

I take a boiling hot shower before turning it to freezing cold.

I do my makeup perfectly, I follow a routine of this beautiful girl I saw online.

It took my a week to decode my outfit.

Not too much skin because then my stomach will be hanging out.

Not too oversized because then I look like a boy.

Not too much leg because then I'm asking for it.

Not enough leg then I'm hurting myself.

Not a jumper because then I'm covering myself in unfathomable ways.

A jumper to cover my loose skin and bumpy arms that won't seem to go away.

I bang my head against the wall.

Fuck. Me.

I packed my suitcase a couple of days ago, it's bursting at the brim. I turn off all the lights around my sad, abandoned apartment.

My heart hurts leaving here.

Because it's my home.

Not where I'm leaving to.

This. Here.

An uber waits outside beeping impatiently.

"Sorry," I sigh as I awkwardly climb in.

"Where to?" The man asks.

I sigh, "the airport."

My hears races as I climb out, I'm almost certainly going to have a panic attack it's not even in question.

It crowds with people, I can feel their body heat and sweat climbing off them and transferring onto me. Foreign families run around lost of what to do, people buy souvenirs welcoming them into the city, kids whine that they want candy while I yearn for my home.

My heart beats in unhealthy palpitations, begging for a stop begging for a close in pace.

I steady my steps as I walk towards the breakfast bar, I fill up a paper cup with orange juice and drink it's entirety, it shrieks and wiggles in my stomach as I wash it down with some water.

I look up at the big ever changing screen,

New Jersey, boarding at 8:15

I check my phone, 7:30, it reads.

I make mental calculations in my head on when to line up for the plane, if I go too early then I'll have to wait forever but if I'm late people will watch me, and judge me then I'll be on an hour long flight with them.

Sounds like hell.

My life sounds like hell in my very own head.

I can't do this, I can't do this. An obnoxious voice in my head repeats, is it even mine? Or is someone I hate living and breathing inside of me.

I practically run to the bathroom, I need an escape somewhere that is not here.

The stalls are unusually quiet which brings me a short moment of relief before my brain reaches my heart and I lean against the wall crying and wailing my breaths my heart not matching up with my pulse.

What's wrong with me?

Why are you such a fucking disaster!

I scramble onto me phone, my shaking fingers slipping over my different contacts.

Where is she, where is she? Then I find her, my rock, my saviour, Tess.

The dial rings and she picks up in seconds.

I breath shakily through the phone, not saying anything.

"Alyssa?" She asks her voice laced with concern, "Alyssa?"

"T- Tess," I stutter my eyes closed and my head leaning against the cold, cold wall.

The wall feels as cold as my hands, and my feet, and the rest of my never ending horrible cycle that I call my body.

A doctor once said my cold hands where because of low iron, but no- I'm always cold, a shiver is constantly reaching it's way up my spine and making me go crazy with the sensation of ice being dipped over my body. The only time the coldness disappears is when my body heats up and my face flames bright red, that happens all too often until the cycle repeats like a nightmare- like I'm living inside a nightmare.

"Alyssa?" She says frantically at my choked sobs, "what is it? What happened, okay? I need you to tell me Al, please."

"Tess, I- I can't do it anymore," I sob.

"No, no, no Al, what can't you do? Where are you?"

I stay silent for a minute, picking at the scabs on my thighs that I had not realized had appeared during the commotion two days ago until Aiden pointed it out.

"The airport," I say almost silently.

I hear her confusion clear as day coated in her voice, "why are you at the airport?" She asks and I swear I can hear the bolts clicking in he brain, "birthday. His birthday," her voice sounds like acid preparing to leap out of the small hand held device.

I nod though she can't hear.

"You don't need to go Alyssa, please don't go," she pleads at my underwhelming silence, "please don't do back there."

"I already am," I choke.

Panic rises up her throat, "no your not, just go back home and then I'll come and we'll be together again, yeah? Tess and Alyssa, the unstoppable duo, yeah? Right Al?"

"No, no, your not coming back, your with your f- family."

"Your my family," she says her voice breaking.

I shake my head frantically, "no Tess I'm not, you have a family I don't. I have a Mother who doesn't know anything that happens behind her back and I have a f- father who controls my every move, who haunts me Tess! I'm a mess, I can't heap you back into that again, you don't deserve that."

"Al-"

I stand up and start pacing around the room, "Tessa, you are not coming here. I am though, okay? And maybe it will be for the better- maybe- maybe."

I hear an announcement on the loud speakers.

"New Jersey flight 101 departing in twenty minutes, gate C is opened," the robotic female voice says.

"I have to go Tess," I say, "I- I love you."

"Alyssa! Don't you dare hang up this fucking phone!" Her voice breaks through a choked sob, "go get Caleb to pick you up right fucking now!"

I shake my head and close my eyes before I hang up, "I'm sorry."

---

Thank you so much for reading!

Please follow, comment, vote, etc (if you want to ofc)

All my love, Willow <3