scoring you

Chapter 51

Alyssa

For a while it was hard.

Harder than hard.

I missed Aiden.

I miss Aiden.

I miss him too much, an unhealthy amount, an amount I didn't realise until I actually lost him to my own doing. I always knew I'd be the downfall of our relationship- one way or another.

I could hardly get out of bed, and not because I broke up with my fucking boyfriend- that's only part of it.

My fathers words stuck to me, haunted me more than before.

I want to get better- I wanted to- I still want to obviously that's why I'm here in the first place. That's why I broke up with Aiden, the one person who truly brought me what life is supposed to feel like.

Pure life.

But the darkness still loomed.

And now I sit in this chair twiddling my thumbs.

A middle aged man sits before me but he doesn't unnerve me.

He has this strange looking beard with a pencil tucked behind his big ears, he really does look normal until I look downwards at his feet and see that he's wearing crocs.

Crocs at a fucking therapy appointment.

And people say this dude is the best of the best.

He doesn't say anything and neither do I.

We sit there in silence and I stare at the clock above him, counting down the minutes.

I sigh, rubbing my temples. "Are you doing to talk? Because I'm kind of paying for this thing by the minute and so far I've gotten what I get in my room everyday."

He smiles, all of his teeth showing. "There we go."

"Sorry?"

"You spoke, didn't think you were going to for a moment but then I read your paper again, didn't say you were mute."

What?

"Can I look at it? The paper that is?"

He passes it to me.

"They don't normally let me look."

He shrugs.

I read it.

Blah, blah, blah.

All the basic boring shit that I hate to be described as.

Depressed.

Anxious.

Anorexic.

Blah fucking blah.

I pass it back to him, "take it." I mumble.

When his hands reach it he rips it apart.

"What was that for?" I ask with narrowed eyes.

"Do you think this paper defines you?" He asks me, "is this how you would describe yourself?"

"No." I reply blandly.

"Well then I don't need it."

Now my brain hurts ten times more because, what the actual fuck?

I pick at the scab on my finger.

"Tell me why your here." He says.

I look on the table next to him. His lap, his hands.