scoring you

Chapter 53

Alyssa

I look at my wrist, the blue lines indented into my skin. Permanent. Something I can't change, it's something that will stick there forever and something about that gives me immense joy.

I admire the little dandelion, my favorite flower.

Apart from the fact that it isn't as a flower. The stem is subby as the seeds begin, looking fluffy and comforting, small bits fly away and a little clump is taken out of it.

The chunk of my heart that's disappeared beats when it see's the flower, like the feeling of adrenaline and the laughter I felt while I got it.

It felt wonderful- normal even.

But that blank part of my heart and stomach is still gone, it's been months and at this point I don't think I'll ever be 'cured' My therapist says there is no such thing anyway.

Gotta live with the shit and deal with it like a man- or lady.

His exact words.

"Ugh, Alyssa," Tess squeals. "I'm obsessed with it, like utterly fucking obsessed." 

"I know," I smile. "You've said it a couple times now."

"Because fucking look at it! You have a tattoo! I'm so jealous."

"You could of got one."

We went to some tattoo parlor of Baileys in the city a couple weeks back.

"It's too permanent," she says. 'What if I don't like it in ten years? No way I'm getting that laser shit bailey said that hurts like a bitch."

"True," I sigh.

"Your not talking much." She says now in a more serious tone, "I need my chatty Al back."

"I've never been chatty, Tess."

"No," she admits. "But you used to gossip at least."

I shrug, "It's summer break, there is no gossip."

"I guess." She looks around the room, tucking her overgrown hair behind her ears. "Hey, Alyssa."

I roll my eyes and turn to her. "Yes, Tessa."

"You know that Aiden is coming back in a week, right?"

I clench my jaw at the empty feeling in my chest. "I'm aware."

Drop, drop, drop.

Thump, thump, thump.

"Hey," she places her hand over the top of mine. "We don't need to talk about it."

"Good," I slump off the chair. "We're not then."

I see the drooping of her face. "Dammit, I was hoping you wouldn't say that."

I grin, "I know, your like reading a book Tess."

"No, I am not."

"Yes, you are. Your emotions are always on full display, I can anticipate anyway your going to act."

She scrunches up her face.

"See? Now your pissed."

"No." she says unconvincingly.

"Now, your wishing that you were able to lie because your so fucking horrible at it."

She falls onto my bed and groans, plummeting her freshly manicured hand onto her face in defeat. "Fine, you win."

I smile victoriously. "I know."

---

I walk up the footpath, counting each step as I go.