scoring you

Chapter 55

Alyssa

I take a deep breath as I push that button out of instinct.

I didn't even understand which direction I was running in, until I reached the outside of his apartment.

All I knew is that it felt strangely right, and the longer I stood there the longer I felt at peace.

I didn't feel that nagging feeling pulling at my veins and heart whenever I stood close to him. That voice in my ear has disappeared after months, I'm feeling lighter- more stable.

Not perfect, obviously.

I'm never perfect, will never be perfect. I'm flawed and damaged, broken and torn from every direction, but the one thing able to keep me in place is the feeling of him and how he doesn't waver.

He might not want to see me.

But that dial still rings.

Maybe he hates me now, I never responded to any of his texts.

Ring, ring, ring.

I should tell him how much they meant to me.

Ring, ring-

"Alyssa?"

My breath catches in my throat.

Ugh, I internally groan. Of course my fucked up brain decides to fuck up my life right now.

Just breath, I instruct myself.

"Hi," I say. "Aiden. Hi Aiden."

"Hi." He says again, and suddenly I'm not sure I remember how to talk to him so effortlessly.

I clear my throat. "I- um, I didn't think your were going to answer for a second."

He's silent for a second. "Of course I would," he says quietly. "I told you I would."

I swing my free hand back and forth. "You did," I chuckle. "I guess I had trouble believing that."

"Why are you calling me?" He asks through a strained voice.

I swallow. I deserve that.

"I'm outside of your house," I say.

"Your- your what?"

"Standing," I correct. "Right now I'm standing outside of your apartment because apparently my legs dragged me here on instinct and that's probably really fucking fucked up, but that's who I am. So yeah, I'm outside of your house right now." I take a deep breath.

Why couldn't I just left it with" 'I'm standing outside of your apartment'?

"Okay.." He begins, "I'm not home though."

"Oh," I side peddle. "No worries." I turn on my heels to leave.

"Wait," he says, suddenly panicked. "Don't leave."

I stay still on the spot. "Okay."

"Okay?"

I nod, but he can't see me through a screen.

"I'm coming back, right now."

I don't respond to that because now my head is spinning around in loops, in a continuous spiral that looses its beginning and end.

I look different- sort of, I can't tell if it's good or bad. Everyone keeps telling me that I look better, but in my eyes I don't see it.

I can see my reflection in a nearby window, my skin looks slightly more sun-kissed than its usual dull pale that I'm so used to. I'm wearing a pair of denim shorts that Tess brought me for Christmas, they fit well on my skinny legs which are starting to look fuller, my thighs filling in more space and making me look more curved around my waist.