scoring you

Chapter 37

Alyssa

I can't sleep.

I can't sleep so I stare at the blinding white ceiling in his unusual house.

It's Aiden's home, it's perfect, it looks perfect and it feels perfect.

I've never known perfect before.

The thought fills me with thoughts and my eyes rest upon my bag that I brought along with me. I try to resist the urge that bugs me as I silently sift through the contents, no use.

I shove the packet of cigarettes along with the lighter in my pant pockets- Aiden's pocket. A shudder of repulsion goes all the way up my body.

I'm rude.

I don't deserve this. 

I'm selfish.

I'm selfish and I'm still fucking here! I'm smiling and having a good time- I shouldn't be allowed that- I shouldn't.

And now I'm smoking outside of his home- the home where his mother used to live.

I'm horrible, horrible, horrible.

I look at the walm welcoming of the house, stopping outside of the fence when I realise I can't do it- that would be sadistic, demented.

So I walk and I walk until I find an empty slot of land- further away.

I light the lighter and watch as the cigarette catches fire. I take a long puff and exhale it out, enjoying the beauty of it all washing away for a while. If it's so bad, then why does it feel so fucking good?

"Thought I'd find you along here somewhere," a voice that makes my own hitch, I can hear his smile as he says it though it probably hurts him.

I'm undeserving of those smiles I get every minute I look at him- I'm undeserving of returning them back.

He sits beside me, bumping his leg up and down and rubbing his hands together, "cold out here, isn't it?" He says, scooching closer to me.

"How did you know I left?" I ask in a small voice.

"Couldn't sleep," he says as I drop my bud to the ground, crushing it under my feet.

"Oh, why?" I ask.

He smiles at me sadly, "everyone has their burdens Alyssa, some they don't even realise themselves."

I nudge closer to him, "tell me."

He shakes his head dismissively.

"You don't leave me- I don't leave you," I say, "that's the deal, remember?" 

He wraps an arm around me, "I remember Alyssa."

"Good, tell me."

He exhales deeply, "It's this house, there's so much sadness filled in it from so long ago that it shouldn't matter anymore, but it does and I can still feel it."

I nod for him to continue.

"It's stupid," he sighs, "I hardly knew her, she's a stranger to me but everyone else in that house loves- loved her."

"You feel guilty," I say.

He nods sadly, "I should. That's the fucking thing Alyssa I should feel sad, but when your there with me I forget about it. How messed up is that?"

"Not messed up at all," I tell him, "that's normal."

"It's not," he says as I lean my head on his shoulder and trace my fingers along his knee.