Butterfly's Year

27. Dark thoughts

My knees buckled beneath me, but I leaned against the kitchen island, so it was almost unnoticeable. I must have turned pale because Victor looked at me as if he was afraid I would faint. He didn't move, just stood there with his hands hanging helplessly and his eyes darting around the furniture and walls.

I leaned against the edge of the counter again. I felt for a bar stool and sat down. Only then did Victor stir and sit next to me. My mind was blank. For several dozen minutes, which seemed like an eternity, I was like a statue without movement or thought, and then I stood up and rushed to my smartphone.

First, I dialed Julia's number and nearly jumped when the sound of her phone's ringtone came from somewhere near the guest bedroom. I rushed in that direction with the euphoric thought that she had already returned and had taken a nap after her jog, and I had simply missed her return. But when I got there, all the positive energy drained from me like air from a punctured balloon. The ringing device lay in the bed as if nothing had happened, and there was no sign of my sister.

– Julia! – I called loudly. – Julia, where are you?! Julia?! – I screamed in panic, in a fit of uncontrolled hysteria, running through all the rooms and checking every corner of the apartment.

– Paula? – Victor tried to grab my attention frantically. – Wait!

I didn't listen to him. I ran out of the apartment and, without waiting for the elevator, took the stairs to the floor with the gym, then to the spa, the pool, and a few other places with amenities my sister could have used. Desperate, I even checked places where I would never expect her to be. Finally, I returned to the apartment, defeated, and rushed back to the phone.

I called every person my sister might have gone to, though with each call, I became more convinced that it was pointless because if she had planned to visit any of our mutual friends, she would have told me about her plans. Eventually, I had no one left to call and collapsed, exhausted, on the living room couch.

The visit to the police station is a blur. I answered the officer's questions and apparently quite sensibly, as Victor hardly interrupted, but I couldn't remember the content of the conversation for the life of me. I only remembered that I was there and provided enough information for them to send us back home, where Julia was still missing.

The small creature living inside me was tearing its hair out, and I wordlessly headed for the shower, leaving Victor standing in the spacious hall.

The warm water slightly soothed my frayed nerves, but I had no idea what to do next. Eventually, I would have to get out from under the shower, and then I would have to start doing something. But what? I had no idea where my sister was. Her phone was in the apartment. I had no way to locate her. No one knew anything. She had simply vanished hours ago like a stone in water.

Through the steady noise of the water, I could faintly hear Victor's voice. He was probably on the phone. After all, he had promised to make more calls. But so what? What could he do? He wasn't omnipotent. He didn't have supernatural abilities that could help in this situation. Neither his money nor good intentions could do much in this situation.

I closed my eyes and positioned myself so that the water poured over my entire face. I couldn't cry, though it would have helped in this situation, so the artificial rain served as a cleansing instead of tears. My wet hair stuck to my ears, and the constant sound of running water drowned out the noises from the bedroom, so I didn't notice when my boyfriend ended his last call. I didn't even realize when he entered the bathroom.

I felt his presence in the spacious shower only when his hands timidly touched my back. He cautiously wrapped his arms around me and held me as if I were a small tree he didn't want to risk breaking. He didn't have to say anything. I knew what he wanted to convey with that gesture. He was also helpless and had no idea what to do next.

We stood there, embraced under the water, which would have been too hot for Victor in any other circumstances. I didn't want to do anything else, so I prolonged this peculiar shower as long as possible.

After several minutes of staring at the wall, I felt his hands suddenly detach from me, and when they returned, they began to gently move over my skin in circular motions. Victor carefully soaped my entire body, giving each part the same attention and care without any erotic intention. His touch was loving but completely non-sexual. Brotherly and warm, like the contact with a beloved relative. Like a parent bathing a newborn.

When he had rinsed all the foam off me, he turned off the water and started to dry the water droplets from my skin with a towel. Then he wrapped both himself and me in fluffy bathrobes that always waited ready on the hooks by the door. Slowly, he led me to the bedroom, where he positioned himself to envelop me with as much of his body as possible and covered us with a quilt.

His breathing slowly calmed, though whenever I moved slightly, he pressed me closer to himself. But eventually, exhaustion overcame him, and he fell asleep, his grip permanently relaxed.

I couldn't sleep. Dark thoughts swirled in my head. I felt as if they echoed through my skull bones because someone, without me noticing, had stolen my brain. I tossed and turned, but sleep wouldn't come, and the small creature living inside me couldn't do anything to help. All its advice and wisdom had fallen silent. It just sat curled up, wrapped in a black blanket of dark visions, each worse than the last.

Where is she now? Maybe she'll come back? We need to listen to the silence to hear even the faintest creak of the door. But should I look for her? Where would I go? Should I wander aimlessly through the city, asking random people in the middle of the night—if there were any around at this hour—while she might come home? And what if he does something terrible to her? If he does, how will I tell Mom? Why hasn't anyone contacted us yet? If that guy is dead, who is this other one? Why hasn't he reached out to us in any way? How long does he plan to keep us in suspense? Maybe it's just a huge misunderstanding? But where could Julia be then? Why couldn't she take her phone with her like any normal, civilized person in this world? If she had planned to go somewhere, she would have taken something, anything, even that damned smartphone. He must have taken her somewhere and is doing who knows what... And Julia is so fragile and delicate. She can't even hurt a mosquito. How could she handle an adult, aggressive man when she didn't even interact closely with friendly ones?

Exhausted from lying pointlessly in the dark, I rolled out of the vast bed and, wrapped in the quilt like a cocoon, trudged to the kitchen.

I put a mug of milk in the microwave and, while waiting for it to heat up, started mindlessly stirring a spoon in the cocoa container.

I nearly jumped when a voice sounded behind me.

– Will you make me some cocoa too? – Victor asked.