Butterfly's Year

55. Loneliness

The days that followed the bathtub incident were very exhausting. Victor forced me to spend as much time as possible in the apartment building, only going out when necessary. I thought it was a reasonably sensible idea, after all, the last time someone broke into the flat. Still, I didn't have the strength to argue with him any more, so I would go to my classes surrounded by security, and immediately afterwards, I would return to the flat and spend the rest of the day there.

On the other hand, Victor had spent even more time away from home since I returned from London. Going to bed quickly and falling asleep in his arms were things of the past. He acted as if he didn't want to touch or show me off to the world. I thought he was happiest when he could lock me in a glass case in a dark room with no windows.

I felt terribly lonely, but I couldn't say it out loud, seeing his worried face and misguided gaze every time there was a thud in the corridor or outside the window. So I continued in this exhausting suspension, passing on my love and hoping he would finally speak up to explain everything happening around us lately.

But there was no sign of a breakthrough, and for the time being, the atmosphere in the flat was like that which you feel on a hot day just before a storm, before a strong wind breaks. I felt an invisible but unbearable weight, robbing me of the strength to do even the simplest tasks.

One day, my mother called me when I was lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling instead of my books. I listened to her cheerful chatter, but I did not understand the meaning of her sentences. All I registered was that she was happy and well, and then I switched off and sank into my black thoughts, feeling this terrible weight that became more unbearable the longer Mum talked about her happiness.

– Yeah? That's great – I said, realising that Mum was expecting some reaction from me, although I had no idea what it would be. – Mum? – I asked in a sort of impulse, wanting to get rid of something that had been weighing on me so unbearably for several weeks, and after the last incident with the bathtub had even eaten me up inside.

–  Yes? – Mum's voice, as usual since she met Tommy, was warm and affectionate.

I hesitated. I wanted so much for someone to tell me that everything would be all right. And to explain what was happening, I guess she wasn't the right person. She just frowned, and she had only recently been really happy again.

I chickened out. I couldn't burden her with my problems when, after so many years, she had finally found peace and joy again.

–  I'm glad things are going well for you – I said, smiling artificially to make my voice believable.

Suddenly, tears welled in my eyes out of nowhere, and I could not speak. Mum chattered away happily, and I stared blankly at the ceiling.

– Do you have any plans for today?

I realised the question was directed at me. I quickly pulled myself together and grunted to make out a decent-sounding voice.

– I think I'm going to go to bed – I said as naturally as possible. – I am tired.

– You sound so weak – Mum's voice became more worried. – You're working hard on your studies. I won't bother you anymore. Get some rest. Bye.

She hung up, and I looked at the medical books on the shelf lying there untouched for more than two weeks. I didn't have the strength to open them. Not today. Too much had already accumulated for me to make sense of any of it.

Besides, I no longer saw this as my calling. I used to believe that I could help someone, but now... Now, it didn't make sense anymore. Treating people, cramming to pass exams and then learning something else... Studying all my life, over and over again, without a moment's rest, only to live in fear that I won't know well enough and accidentally hurt someone, or worse, kill someone.

So I waited passively for my happiness, trying to stay awake, but this time, that invisible weight wouldn't let me sleep. More minutes of silence passed until I finally heard shuffling in the flat. After about fifteen minutes, Victor looked into the bedroom.

– Are you asleep? – he asked quietly, sitting down next to me.

I shook my head reluctantly, but I didn't have the strength to turn around to face him.

– Is something wrong? – he asked, touching my shoulder. – Are you angry with me?

I pulled myself together and turned to face my lover.

– Is it going to be like this all the time? – I muttered to myself, feeling an unpleasant noodle in my throat.

Victor furrowed his brow and knit his eyebrows together.

– What are you talking about?

– The fact that you're still not here and I'm sitting here alone, as if in a tower guarded by everyone but you – I blurted out, my voice full of reproach.

Victor grimaced and sighed softly, then looked me straight in the eye like a tired old man.

– Darling, you know it's dangerous – he said in a tone he might have used to explain to a small child why it was important not to touch a hot stove. – And here you have everything a woman in this town could dream of.

The little creature that lived inside me laughed bitterly. Everything but that one important element.

– Yes, everything – I agreed, holding back a sour smile. – It's just that I don't have you. You leave before I wake up, pop in for a while and then you're gone. I don't even know when you're lying next to me, and I want to be with you. To talk at least a little. To have you hold me. I know it's dangerous, but couldn't I be alone with my friend for at least an hour a day?

Viktor sighed heavily again and gave me another tired look.

– I know this isn't how you imagined living with me – he said, and a big "sorry" was painted in his eyes, which was then replaced by determination. – I will do something – he announced immediately in a combative tone. – I promise I'll find time for you tomorrow. Why don't we have breakfast together and plan something for the evening? Or you know what, I'll arrange something. And when all this madness is over, I'll take you somewhere. Anywhere you want to go.

 – I just want you to be close to me – I moaned in a weak voice. – To wake up and be able to cuddle with you.

I gave him a pleading look, and he immediately took me into his arms.

– I know – he said, cradling me against his chest as if he was afraid someone would take me away from him. – Tomorrow will be better.