Butterfly's Year

44. Disappointment

The door slammed shut, and a moment later, Victor emerged from the hall, still furious.

– Victor, you're overreacting – I stated sharply. – You're being irrational. What's gotten into you?

– Did you sleep with him? – he asked, as if he hadn't heard me, but before I could say anything, he answered his own question. – Of course you did. He looks at you like you're a snack.

The small part of me that lived inside was indignant.

– What are you talking about?– I retorted, just as indignant. – I didn't sleep with him. You don't actually think I'd cheat on you, do you?

– Not now – he snapped, irritated. – Back then. You slept with him back then.

I opened my mouth to continue defending myself, but the meaning of his words sank in, so I closed it. That's what he was getting at.

– Yes, we had sex a few times – I replied. – I needed him. He helped me deal with that teacher situation. Remember? I told you about it.

– Of course, typical – Victor muttered, clearly offended, though I had no idea why. – That's so like you. Paulina and her games. Using a guy like a tool is nothing to you. You won't marry me because you're afraid of acting on emotions, but a guy you slept with can legally stare at your soapy tits?

I looked at my boyfriend in disbelief, but his eyes clearly showed he wasn't joking.

– Are you angry that I didn't accept your proposal, or that I had other men before you? – I asked, somewhat confused.

What did marriage have to do with Alec? And why was he suddenly bringing up my past when it had never bothered him before? He knew I wasn't an angel. Neither was he.

– I'm just wondering how many there were before me – Victor sneered, giving me a look that could only be described as hostile. – How many men did you toy with? How many dicks have been in you? How many guys did you blow to get something for yourself? How many now have feelings for you and are resentful because they didn't get what you promised?

– I don't understand why you're angry – I said, giving him a helpless look. – You knew I wasn't a virgin. You've slept with other women too...

– I did it for pleasure – he interrupted me harshly. – They felt good with me and safe. And I don't have contact with them anymore, but you scared them off, and now you have lingering eyes and complaints following you. How many were inside you, huh? – he asked, glaring at me. – Or you know what – he added disdainfully – don't even tell me, because I might find out my girlfriend has more mileage than a twenty-year-old car. Don't touch me. It's disgusting.

He moved away from me as if I were contagious, and this time he looked at me with genuine disgust.

The small part inside me was knocked off its feet, and I felt a painful stab near my heart.

– Why are you talking to me like this? – I asked, feeling the ground slipping from under me.

I completely didn't understand what was happening. My gentle, understanding Victor had disappeared. He'd been angry before, but I'd never seen him like this since I told him about my childhood. Never, since I told him about my past, had he tried to hurt me deliberately, but now, with every word, he was stabbing me intentionally.

– Victor, please... – I said in a pleading tone, feeling like I was about to cry. – That was in the past.

I tried to approach him, reaching out my hands, but he brushed them away before they could touch him.

He looked at me as if I were something very ugly and pitiful, then without a word, he turned on his heel, grabbed his jacket, and left, slamming the door behind him.

I was left alone in the middle of the bathroom, wrapped in a bath towel, and tears started to fall down my cheeks. I felt incredibly lonely and abandoned. And betrayed, because he knew what my life had been like before we crossed paths again.

How could I be the most wonderful, beloved person to him one day and the next be something so repulsive and disgusting that he couldn't even look at me, let alone touch me?

The dragon-snake that had recently taken up residence in my soul raised its head and lazily slithered out of its hiding place. It coiled around my stomach, then climbed higher—apparently, the diaphragm was no barrier between the abdominal and chest cavities—and ignited a fire around my heart that burned and froze at the same time. Finally, it tightened another loop around its creation and settled in comfortably.

I felt very small, yet the walls of the room I stood in weren't wide enough, and with each passing second, they were closing in, cutting off my access to light and air. Not knowing what to do, I trudged to the bedroom, curled up on Victor's side of the bed, and inhaled the scent of his pillow. It calmed me down enough that I finally fell into a restless, shallow sleep, in which nothing was in its place, and at every turn, I encountered unknown men tied to beds, looking at me with fear in their eyes.