Butterfly's Year

56. It's over

But the next day, nothing had changed. When I woke up, Victor was gone. Nor was he there when I returned from class. The only distraction was a surprise visit from Manuel, who turned up out of the blue and entered the flat before I could react in any way.

– I wanted to see you – he explained as I tried to determine the reason for this unexpected intrusion. – You... – Manuel dropped his voice and made a face as if he were about to choke. – Your boyfriend – he finished with difficulty. - He won't tell me anything, and I'm worried about you. I'm watching you. I see how you've changed and faded since the first time I saw you with him in Berlin. I would never clip your wings, and he's doing it, and you're letting him do it, letting yourself be locked up here.

I threw an indifferent look at the angry Manuel and sighed heavily. I had no intention of explaining our situation to an uninitiated person. Why was he interested in me anyway? It was my life, and he had his own, which had nothing to do with whether he saw me or not. And what did it even mean that he was looking at me?

– How you don't understand anything... – I puffed heavily, then changed to a more matter-of-fact and definitely sharper tone so that he would not doubt that it was high time he got out of my life and took an interest in his own. – I'm sitting here because some maniac has picked on Victor and me. I'm safer here than if I were wandering around the streets of Warsaw, watching what he does and with whom. Please go away. I don't want to talk to you about anything. It's high time you made a life for yourself away from mine. Victor can be difficult, but he loves me, and I love him. I can be difficult too, and we don't mind. Save yourself the unpleasantness and leave me and my relationship alone. Maybe smile at Olivia because I think she still has feelings for you – I added in a slightly warmer tone. – These are the kind of women you hit on. The kind who aren't already in love with someone else.

The little creature living inside me kept shutting her little mouth so that she wouldn't say anything stupid about the fact that Victor had been behaving in the strangest way in the world these past few days and that I really, really wanted him to finally tell me what was going on. But this wasn't Manuel's business. It was our business, and if I would talk to anyone about it, it certainly wasn't him. Not to the man who had once abandoned me and then tricked me into coming to Berlin for an unknown purpose, and over whom the stigma of my father's still unresolved, allegedly suicidal death, God forbid, still hung.

– And it seems to me that it's best if you get out of here right now – I growled dryly, which must have got through to him because he grimaced but left the flat.

Once again, I was left alone, and not only did Victor not return early as he had assured me yesterday, but he arrived at the flat even later than usual, with fresh signs of a fight.

I ran up to him immediately, but he spoke before I could ask what had happened.

– Paulina, we need to talk – he said in a very serious tone. – What I'm going to say is going to sound very bad... – he dropped his voice and made a face as if something was hurting him very much, and as if this something had nothing to do with the fresh marks of a beating.

The little being that lived inside me moved restlessly, and I waited in concentration for him to say something more.

Victor looked as if he was fighting a massive battle inside his head, and within seconds, I could see a range of emotions on his face.

– We can't be together anymore – he finally burnt out, avoiding my gaze.

My stomach somersaulted, and the little creature's eyes bulged.

– What's that? – I asked, convinced I had overheard.

He couldn't have meant what he said. It would have been pointless.

– We have to end our relationship – he repeated emphatically, without any sign of unnecessary emotion. – I can't go on like this. I am sorry.

– But... – I began, trying to meet his gaze, but he avoided it like a fire.

I didn't understand anything. We had made love. Yesterday he promised me things would get better. Someone who says that can't end a relationship the next day. It's illogical.

– I know how it sounds,' he said quickly before I could finish my thought. – I know you've had a huge problem trusting me, trusting anyone, but I... – he gasped for breath and looked at me with a huge pain in his eyes, and then his gaze focused, and he sputtered, sentence after sentence as if he wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible. – I can't be with you anymore. It's all so messed up.... I don't know when, but it's not how it was, and I can't be with someone I can't be with because we'd both be unhappy. I think our fire... I think it's burnt out. I'm afraid that nothing good will happen to us in this relationship. It will be better and safer for both of us to live separately. Forgive me if you can. I didn't want to hurt you. But now, for the last time, I have to so that I don't hurt you any more.

I didn't quite understand what was happening. Victor was talking and I felt smaller and smaller and more vulnerable. The dragon-snake that had been dormant for the past few days sensed fresh blood and crawled out of its hiding place. It began to climb up my body, leaving an icy void behind it, and I still couldn't believe what Victor was saying. Because it couldn't be true. It couldn't be.

– I know you must be in terrible pain right now, and it's because of me – Victor continued in an emotionless voice as my heart pounded in my chest – but it can't go on like this any longer. I'm sorry. Get your things together, I'll find you a place to stay until you can figure something out on your own if you need to. Someone will be with you for as long as you need so that we won't see each other any more. It's already very complicated, and the less contact we have, the better. I'm glad to have met you. I'm leaving now, so you can gather up everything you need to get started, and I'll send you the rest by post if you need it. Goodbye, Paula. Please forgive me.