Butterfly's Year

46. Sorry

– I'm sorry I left. – Victor finally broke the prolonged silence between us, heavy as a storm cloud. – I'm sorry I even started that argument. I don't actually think that, you know?

His voice was gentle, as if speaking to a scared, cornered wild animal, but I didn't lift my eyes to him. I felt that if I did, I would fall apart into a million little pieces. So, I just stood there, staring at the floor, not knowing what to do next.

– Sweetie? – Victor approached cautiously, but thankfully didn't try to hug me. – Say something,– he pleaded. – Hey, look at me. I shouldn't have brought that up. You're not awful. You're not disgusting. I know you're a very good person with a wounded heart. I'm a terrible jerk. I'm sorry. Say something.

I cautiously lifted my gaze to him and mustered all my remaining energy to not collapse right away. His eyes were large and shiny, as if he were about to cry. Meanwhile, I felt a suspicious tickle in my throat, signaling an impending wave of sobs that was slowly but inexorably seeking release.

I didn't know what to say. My head was swirling with so many questions, and the worst part was that the little creature inside me began answering them with his words from yesterday. My eyes grew moist again, so I lowered my gaze and redirected my remaining energy to my speech.

– Why did you leave? – I finally stammered, struggling to swallow the lump in my throat.

He didn't answer immediately, so I risked a shy glance at his chocolate eyes, which, as it turned out, were watching me intently. But as soon as they met my blue ones, they darted away in panic.

– I left you because... – he finally choked out after a moment that felt like an eternity – because... I didn't want to shout and curse at you in anger because you look like a little, lost girl then. And when I calm down, that image of scared you haunts me. I can't argue with you, but I can't calmly talk either because emotions overwhelm me, and I have to leave. It's childish, I know. I'm sorry. Sweetie? – he addressed me in a gentle tone when I remained silent for a long moment.

The dragon-serpent raised its head and breathed fire towards my heart, intensifying the stabbing pain I had felt since hearing the front door slam shut behind Viktor yesterday. The explanation might have made sense, but so what, since it had already happened? He left me alone in this big apartment with the worst thoughts about myself that could ever cross my mind, just because there was a person I had once slept with.

– Do you think telling me this makes it hurt any less? – I finally asked in a tearful voice, trying desperately to keep my eyes from watering. – Since we've been together, I thought my past didn't bother you, that I could be myself with you, and that you'd never use that knowledge as a weapon against me. And now it turns out I was wrong all along because my petty boyfriend can't bear the thought that I had other guys before him, even though he was jumping from flower to flower at the same time. And that's okay, right?

Suddenly, a great anger welled up inside me. It completely took over my mind and pushed all the previous sadness into a dark corner. I glared at Viktor with an accusatory look, and he seemed to shrink under it.

– I... – he whispered in a hoarse voice. – I don't know what to say.

– That you're an idiot, maybe? – the little creature inside me suggested venomously. – Or a self-absorbed hypocrite with double standards. One set of rules and privileges for women, and another for men? Are you stuck in the Middle Ages, trying to teach us morality with the 'alpha grease'?

– I'm really, really sorry – Wik whispered weakly, giving me a pleading look. – I don't know what else to say to make you forgive that outburst. It was... – he trailed off, apparently trying to find the right words – beneath any level. Beneath any criticism.