Hanni
By the time I got home, it was probably a little later than usual. Minji had fallen asleep in my car when I was dropping her off home. I didn't have the heart to wake her up from her very much needed nap but her parents came out wondering why I was parked outside their home for a whole ten minutes.
They always showed me such big gratitude for being part of Minji's life. They always say that they feel relaxed knowing that Minji at least has one person in her life that cares for her, and protects her from everyone.
Seeing the relief in their faces every time I bring Minji home just tugs on my heartstrings. I could see the worry of something bad happening to Minji in their eyes. And I really hated it. It was wrong to hate, but how couldn't I? The world was cruel to an innocent being.
And at times they would throw little hints about me and Minji but I would wave it off with a smile or a joke. Is it possible that their eyes could see something Minji's and my own can't see?
"Hanni!" My mother's loud voice echoed throughout the house as I could feel myself being in trouble already. "Yes mom?" I asked as I heard my mother's footsteps become louder. And my heart dropped seeing the fuming woman in front of me. She didn't even give me the chance to put my bag down when her yells echoed around the house once more.
"Why? Why was I sent a picture of you hugging that devil influenced girl?!" My mother's yell made me shake in fear. She wasn't an angry person, barely ever was. So hearing her like this made me want to shut my eyes and wake up in case it was just a bad dream.
My mom basically pushed the phone on to my face as my eyes tried to focus on the blurry picture. My eyes going wide realizing that it was in fact a picture of me and Minji on the school parking lot. Hugging. And now that I looked at it from here, it looked very intimate. And I tried to bite back the smile as I thought of Minji's arms wrapped around me.
"I don't want to see you around her ever again! Keep away from that girl, I don't want her to corrupt you or confuse you." My mother said and I felt my heart being compressed inside my chest. How can people think such thing about Minji? Corrupt? Confuse?
"Mom! All I did was comfort her." I defended and my mom let out a scoff. "Comfort her for what? Being the devils creation?" And I felt my jaw drop, and I thought that my classmates were bad. Hearing my mother speak like this was a whole other kind of bad. It was plain out mean.
"Mom, do you not have any empathy? She's human like us!" I said and my mom shook her head at me. "The devils work doesn't deserve the empathy of an angel like you. God, maybe that's the devils way of corrupting you." And I wanted to just walk away from my mom.
Us kids, weren't allowed to disappoint our parents, but what about them disappointing us? Because disappointment was all I felt as she kept talking wrongly about Minji. It wasn't right for her to speak of Minji like this. It was never good to badmouth other people, innocent people to be more exact.
"Stay away from her Hanni, I'm capable of sending you away if I were to ever see you near her again." Was it wrong to ignore my mom? Yes. Was I going to ignore her clear threat? Yes. Did I care? I should but I don't. I can't stay away from Minji, not now and not ever. And now that I think of it, it would be like ripping a part of my heart if I were to ever have to separate myself from Minji.
"You know I love you, and all I'm doing is looking out for you. Minji is someone you can't have around you. Listen to me, okay?" She said, grabbing my shoulder and giving me a comforting squeeze. I gave her a faint nod as she brought me to a hug.
A hug that was nothing alike to Minji's. I could feel so much more emotion in her hug than in my mother's. And my head scrambled with memories of earlier at the parking lot with Minji.
I knew that everything that I was thinking of now was wrong, very wrong. But why was my heart pounding inside my chest? Why was the sense of happiness taking over me at the thought of being in her arms again? Why was Minji all I could think of at times?
Most of the time, I was in denial of what it was that my heart felt for Minji. Trying to convince myself at time that it's just me caring for another friend. But who would want to kiss someone who's just their friend? Who would want to sleep in the arms of their friend? Who would want to hold their friends hands and spend a beautiful afternoon at the beach watching the sunset while leaning on each other?
No one, just me.
But could I really keep denying myself of such feeling? I know I had to, it was best that I suppressed that tingling feeling inside my chest every time I see her. It was wrong, and it would completely ruin everything that I've know is my life. Would I really risk it?
This feeling for Minji can be very big. Bigger than my morals, but could it be bigger than the risk of loosing everything?
What I was feeling for Minji was a sin, one of the biggest sins. I wasn't afraid to admit that. I wasn't afraid of anything when it came to the thought of Minji.
But I was terrified when I thought of myself. I'm at a thin line right now, I still had the chance to back down and forget these feelings that might end up just tormenting me one day.
But doing that, it could end being one of my biggest regrets. I didn't know what to think at all. I wanted peace but it wasn't peace if she wasn't at peace herself. I hated seeing the look of sorrow everytime she hanged out with me because it would always be ruined by someone that decides to be the meanest person of earth in that instant.
My mother let go of me and gave me a kiss on the cheek as she patted my shoulder sending me off to my room. I only gave her a smile as I walked away and headed to my room. Minji still being my main thought.
Her nose, her eyes, and her lips. The warmth that would wrap around me anytime I was in her arms. Her hands that respectfully landed on my lower back.
What if? What if she did feel this too? What would happen then? Would our world be all clouds and rainbows? Or would our world come crumbling down along with us?
A part of me just wished Minji was a boy, to make it easier so that I could feel all of this without any shame or worry of what others would say and do to us. That we would have a liberty and freedom like everyone else.
We follow a religion that doesn't allow what I'm feeling. A religion doesn't allow me to hold the hand of the woman that brings me the most happiness.
But I wouldn't change things now for anything.
She was born a girl, and that's what it'll always be. And I would've never asked for it in another way.
Maybe my feelings were still in the process of my own acceptance, but I was never against them. It was the confusion and new found feeling of having to feel something for someone that you've never felt for before.
Once I entered my room, I leaned against it my heart was beating like crazy inside my chest and I don't even understand why. Minji held me, that's all it was. But why was my mind replaying it like a broken record? The same few seconds repeated over and over again.
The feeling that came with her had tears forming in my eyes, the vulnerability of these feelings left me at her disposal and I don't think she'll ever realize.
Or so I thought.
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