The tears hit me like the tide. They aren't the fast, unexpected, knock the breath out of me tears - they aren't the crashing wave of a tumultuous sea. No, I have plenty of notice before their arrival. First, I feel the emotion take hold. It's usually something small - a fleeting thought of "oh, I bet she'd like that" or "I wonder what she'd think?" That triggers the feeling. Next, I'm reminded that I can't just reach out to her anymore. That if I did, I might be tethering her to the same grief that I've shackled myself to- and I don't ever want her to be shackled by grief of any sort. What follows varies, but the end result is always the same; without being able to stop myself, I whisper, "I miss her."
Ahh, then comes that slow wave. Creeping up my shoreline and slowly engulfing the sand that had just begun to dry out. I watch it building, feel it rising, and I allow it to drown me. Allow those tears to well up and flow out. Allow that pain to be experienced. Allow my heart to grieve it's loss.
This isn't a love I want to move past, this isn't a love I want to forget. I want to remember her everytime I see a mushroom. I want to be reminded of her repeatedly, every day. I want to hold on.
So I watch the tide roll in, and I drown.
Slowly, peacefully, intentionally drown.
Drown in the memories of us, drown in the emotions that keep me tethered, drown in the fantasies of a different life, drown in the sorrow of losing the girl of my dreams.
Loving her is knowing divinity. To have your heart be held by someone so kind, so gentle, so caring? To watch her cheeks brighten after a compliment, make notice of her eyes sparkling at you as if you're the only person in existence? To hold her hand and feel the warmth of her skin against yours- to feel the surprising intensity as her passion spreads against your lips? How can one experience such beauty, bear witness to creation itself, and not grieve the loss?
I love her. And I will continue to love her. I'll grow gills before I choose to avoid the incoming tide.
Because if that shadow of grief is all that I'm allowed to experience of our love, I'll gladly immerse myself in it.
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Incongruity
PoetryThis is where I will put my poems about my experiences. I just want somewhere to store them. If they resonate with someone, then I'm glad to have at least been a voice of familiarity in a world that feels so full of solidarity. Also I usually only w...
