My Co-Worker is an Elf Girl?! (#thewattys2024)

Chapter 18 - So Can You Cantrip?

HOKIEN MEDIA BATHROOM WING - AFTERNOON

Remy is completely baffled by Samara's query.

REMY: "What was what?"

SAMARA: "WHAT YOU JUST DID! YOU CAN DO MAGIC!"

REMY: "That... wasn't magic."

SAMARA: "THEN WHAT THE FUCK WOULD YOU CALL THAT THEN?"

Remy shoots back a confused look.

REMY: "Is that a serious question?"

SAMARA: "YES! WHY WOULDN'T IT BE?"

REMY: "It's a cantrip!"

Sam hesitates to respond. She knows that Remy is technically correct- the worst type of correct.

SAMARA: "SAME THING!"

REMY: "No, they're not! Magic requires mana, while cantrips are cheap parlor tricks that anybody can do!"

SAMARA: "HUMANS CAN'T LEVITATE OBJECTS WITH THEIR MINDS, REMY! YOU'RE THE REAL DEAL!"

Samara clasps Remy's hands in joy. Remy raises an eyebrow.

REMY: "Are you sure you can't do 'mold metal?'"

SAMARA: "Can't do that."

REMY: "What about 'silence' or 'disguise'?"

SAMARA: "Can't do either of those. No."

REMY: "Not even 'mold plastic,' 'overclock,' 'caffeinate,' 'enshittify,' or 'reverse entropy?'"

SAMARA: "What? Humans can't do cantrips! Period!"

Remy short-circuits for a moment.

REMY: "That can't be right!"

Remy produces a massive tome from the inside of her cape, ignoring all known laws of physics. She flips to some random page within.

REMY: "It says here that 'every player in the Human World' rolls dice to determine their stats and choose whatever skills or cantrips they desire for their character."

SAMARA: "Their... character...?!"

Samara snatches the tome from Remy's hands, incensing the poor elf girl.

REMY: "Hey! Did your mother never teach you to ask or handle other people's possessions carefully?!"

The human girl flips through the book's leaves with an unchanged nonchalance. Samara spies illustrations of different types of humans wearing the different apparel necessary for their profession.

Plumbers, doctors, scientists, stockbrokers—each profession is accompanied by a table detailing its individual stats, a bizarre reversal of a Dungeons and Dragons guidebook.

Samara is so shocked that her arms go limp, dropping the book. Remy furls her brow at her newfound friend's carelessness.

REMY: "I'm not sharing my stuff with you anymore."

SAMARA: "I only had half a beer... none of this is real...."

Samara stares at her hands in a daze. She lets out an unhinged chuckle.

SAMARA: "I never made it out of that fancy nap pod. I am currently dead. That.... is the only logical explanation..."

DEMONSPICE BBQ - EVENING

Samara and Remy are dining at a run-of-the-mill BBQ joint. A WAITER is handing Samara a credit card reader. Remy practically has a Thanksgiving dinner in front of her, while Samara's side of the table is empty save for a cup of water. 

SAMARA: "Another water for me, please."

Samara listlessly twirls the straw in her cup; something is weighing on her mind. Remy inhales her rack of ribs and washes it down with a long slurp of strawberry milkshake. At this moment, the elf does not have a single care in the world.

Samara pays for the meal with her fancy black credit card. She tips the maximum amount on the screen.

SAMARA: "So the human world is nothing but fantasy literature in the elven world...."

REMY: "Yeah, I was really disappointed when my mom told me humans didn't really exist. I can't wait to show her!"

Samara perks up. Now is the time to ask the questions firmly bubbling in her mind.

SAMARA: "So, how DID you come here anyway? Why did you leave your world and come here of all places?"

Remy goes silent. She slows down her violent chewing and gathers her thoughts.

REMY: "It doesn't matter."

SAMARA: "W-What do you mean?"

REMY: "I am here. And that's all that matters."

Remy resumes her impression of a famished hamster. Samara is at a loss for words.

SAMARA: "Since we're in the middle of a show-and-tell...."

Samara pulls up a digital copy of 'Wyverns and Warriors: 4th Edition' on her phone.

SAMARA: "I'd like you to take a look at this...."

Sam swipes and zooms through the electronic document for Remy. The elf's eyes widen with every turn a digital page.

SAMARA: "In the human world, we play fantasy games about your kind. And those are my favorite ones to play."

Remy begins to giggle.

REMY: "That is SO meta! Do you humans take turns roleplaying as knights, clerics, mages, and barbarians?"

SAMARA: "Um...... yes?"

Remy breaks out in riotous laughter, catching the attention of the other DINERS in the establishment.

SAMARA: "Is there.... is there a way for humans to cross into your world?"

Remy takes a moment to catch her breath. She wipes away the joyful tears that have accumulated in her eyes.

REMY: "There is no reason why you couldn't."

Samara vibrates with joy. This is truly the moment she has been waiting for her entire life. Her eyes glisten with childlike wonder.

SAMARA: "Can you... can you take me there?"

Remy gulps down the glass of cold water next to her. The elf clears her throat and smiles.

REMY: "Absolutely not."

To be continued...