Consider Me

Chapter Nine: Lily

Last night sucked. 

I don't understand what happened with Luke or why he was pounding me with questions about Lucas who note told me himself how much of a snob the latter was. It's fine if he doesn't like him but when I am subjected to humiliation in front of the entire school, I can't even put my bad thoughts in word?

Wow. The level of hypocrisy. 

I was so mad after he dropped me home that I took an hour long shower before I came down for dinner. Mom was suspicious, asked me questions while I washed the dishes but dropped it when she saw how unresponsive I was. I felt bad but nevertheless kept our tradition of hugging each other before sleep before I went to my room and sulked.

I did my homework, gone through some lectures I missed today through Sabina's note and marked some important chapters for my summer midterms. It's still a couple months away but I like to be prepared. Or mostly I want distraction and I got it while I worked until my mind took me to the morning of today and I replayed the entire thing in my head.

Without Sabina, without Luke. 

It's just me and the silence of my room as I replay and replay and replay.

How unwilling I was to go this event, how my friends took me nonetheless, then seeing the overwhelming crowd of people before Sabina nudged me on my elbow and tore my focus from the similar looking students to Lucas. 

To say I held my ground and didn't react over how good he looked was amazing. Only I know how I controlled myself from blushing or how I resisted not gawking at him, his body or the perfect cut of his shape. 

He was handsome. Probably the most handsome I've ever seen in our school. His looks were no joke, the depths of his brown irises reminded me of early morning coffee that Mom drinks but doesn't let me drink. In her words I was not of age to drink coffee yet. Something about his bourbon palate told me I wasn't for his, we're different, so much that the entire room was against his choice yet a small part in me, the selfish part that demands things she can't have, told me I want him.

I want his eyes on me. The brown that my mom refused, I will take it from someone else. From him. The intensity with which he found me in the crowd, the path people made between us with one side ending to him made me see the ocean of difference between us yet none of them mattered when he stalked forward. 

To me. 

His calculated step, his twisted words, his touch, it all lingered. It still lingers and I crave it. I don't want to but inside my bedroom without any voice of opinion, I am merciless to him the same way other girls are. 

I shut my textbook and slid on the bed, forcing myself to think of anyone but him. Reminding myself why I hate those people. Why it all began. I saw my mother, her ache of being left behind by my father who she claims is a rich person and didn't wanted a kid with a woman who came from rags. 

I hated him all my life. I knew people are shallow but abandoning their own family just because they don't match your credentials is fucked up. I don't believe for one second that all the upper class people aren't like my father. Everyone is self-absorbed, abrasive, rude and looks down on people who aren't at their pocket level. Not everything in life is about money. While its not true for poor class, we live and work for money but people who has it easy, doesn't know what they have is valuable and not a means to treat people badly. 

The four years I've been in Hawthorne High, not one incident, not one rumor I heard about Lucas was good. It all revolved around his brashness, his total lack of respect for people around him, his disrespecting attitude, his disregard to school rules and most of all his privilege.