The Spring of Love & Heartbreak

Pretty Toxic Revolver

My alarm screams next to my ear, waking me from the restless sleep. My eyes were already open. I didn't sleep after that- whatever you call it. I roamed the void. Looking in every corner, flipping every rock over, walking to the edges of the earth. All looking for him. But- I never did. I always ended back up at his grave site. Staring at that grave stone. Memorizing every line- every crack in it. I came to the conclusion- it was another episode. Another thing to torment my mind. The only thing I can't place is I've never seen those clothes on him. Every other time I see Billy in my head- he's wearing something I've seen him wear.

He never wore purple- but he was last night.

And every time I see Billy he's a smart ass, in my face about shit but...

Again he wasn't last night. He was scared of the shadows in the room. He was weak, like a ghost of himself.

I chuckle, a ghost. That's all he is.

I roll over and turn off my alarm, and roll back onto my bed. Looking up to the grey morning sky. Its reflecting my mood again. Dark, and lifeless. Not a single bird chirping, singing it's morning tune. Singing that the night passed and the storm blew over, leaving the worms out for them. But it's quiet. The roses that grow up the side of the house and normally bless my room with cheerful smiles, have wilted and turned grey.

Everything is mocking my mood. It's like the world is making fun of my heart break.

But I guess it's good it's all shades of grey, and not filled with color.

My bed creaks as I slip out of it, leaving the warmth and comfort behind. My bones feeling brittle, like the night creeped in and made it's home again. I should say I feel happy. But I'm the furthest from it. My bleeding heart kept me up, my screaming mind was at war with my soul. Taken no prisoners, and leaving no evidence behind other than the bags under my eyes.

I should feel happy.

I feel like the night I woke up after rediscovering my powers. Weak and filled with hatred. Feeling like someone cheated- the pain and depression. The dark whispers of what I should be. A pillar of strength. Not for just me, but everyone around me. The one person I showed the worst of me, told him almost every secret of my soul- I've taken advantage of. And he let me. We should've never put a label on us. I told him I just wanted fun.. Didn't I?

Fun like the wind blows through my hair on a cold fall day, making my fingertips turn red and cloud my breath in front of me. Fun like laughter on a hot summer night.

I pull on dark leggings and slip a shirt on. More shades of grey. Lace my shoes and walk down the carpeted stairs hoping to see the power has turned back on. But luck is never on my side. It's always just out of reach. Just like a fully sobered- straight forward thinking mind and heart. Lately it's just been a mental war within myself. My hormones fighting the logic, my heart fighting my brain, my soul weeping during it all. These wounds will never heal- they just fester and rot.

Catching sight of the clock on the oven blinking. Right, power is still out. I walk back over and take a seat on the bottom stair, just listening. Listening to the emptiness. Missing the sounds of laughter and love that use to come floating in the air from my room. Now it's just dead- like he is.

Sitting in the darkness use to scare me. The unknown lurking in the shadows- but nothing can scare me anymore. I've seen the worst- been dealt the worse hand. But now.. I welcome the darkness. It matches what I truly feel inside. Abandoned, lackluster, and hopeless. Colorless and emotionless. The complete opposite of what I let people see. I always show the colors and wear my heart on my sleeve, not wanting people to lose their colors around me. Sucking in life like a black hole.