EreMika : The Past That Follows

Relapse

Mikasa has gone days without her phone, and today of all days when she needed it most, it was Eren's birthday, March 30th. Her Aunt and Cousin both weren't home and she had no way of using their phones to communicate.

She didn't have a car so she couldn't really go anywhere. Eren and the others were currently in school, and she didn't feel comfortable walking especially with her looming anxiety. She had already finished her work for the day, she baked Eren's cupcakes to during her downtime.

Mikasa had nothing to do, so she just sat in her room, alone with the deafening silence and her thoughts.

Her thoughts over the past few days weren't good thoughts, she knew she was relapsing and she didn't know how to stop it. She hated herself at the moment but she also had to think about the safety of her child. She wasn't hungry and eating hadn't been her main priority but she would eat enough where atleast her baby could get her nutrition.

She knew these thoughts and feelings she was having wasn't healthy but she couldn't shake them. It was a pain she couldn't escape, she couldn't understand why her mind couldn't be normal, she could do fine for months on end, then this depression and overwhelming feeling of anxiety and paranoia just springs on her and makes it harder for her to get out of it.

She couldn't stand it.. so much to the fact she thought a few times about self harming, wondering if she hurt herself enough would the emotional pain stop, or if she cut deep enough would it end her pain forever, so she could see her parents again.

But she would eventually shake those thoughts off, she had a baby to take care of in the next few months, she couldn't end their life because those thoughts escaped her mind.

Her fear of blood also made sure those thoughts stayed put..but this is all the post harm thoughts and clarity. Just the other day she did something unspeakable to herself. So bad she's been wearing long sleeve shirts hiding her arm. If her Aunt or Cousin saw she would've been admitted a few days ago.

She scared herself horribly when she had done it. She was alone, it was late at night and somehow she got a hold of a pocket knife, must've been something Eren left over or something he found.

All she really remembers is trembling at the sight of blood trickling down her arm onto the floor, she quickly dropped the knife when her breathing quickened and her head became lighter. She began to cry realizing what she almost done. She quickly ran to her bathroom across the hall, she bit down on a small rag when she poured alcohol onto the wound. She squealed and cried as the antiseptic burned the wound.

She quickly found some bandages she kept from a few months back after her hallucination accident and wrapped it quickly.

She hadn't looked at her arm since, it's a painful reminder of what could've been if she didn't stop herself.

Mikasa inhaled and exhaled deeply while sitting on her bed, her hair was in a messy bun, she was in pajamas and a sweater. Just all alone waiting until the others got out of school.

"God how am I going to hide this from Eren." She said gently touching her arm. "He will kill me if he finds out.. I can't ruin his birthday like this.. how fucking selfish of me." Mikasa said talking to herself. "I need to change the bandages." She said getting up walking to her bathroom.

Slowly she removed her sweater, the swelling of her arm was obvious . She looked at herself in her mirror and her eyes drifted to her stomach, slowly she reached and rubbed it, she couldn't believe she almost stopped everything. She would never do it again.

Mikasa slowly changed the bandage on her arm, the blood made her look away while she wrapped it back up. She was scared it would get infected so she made sure to keep it cleaned with the alcohol she had it always burned like hell but what other choice did she have? She made a stupid and impulsive decision to do this to herself so now she has to deal with the consequences.