unspeakable | jegulus

sleepless nights

chapter title: (ummmm, oh yeah) dearest by buddy holly

On December 10th the nightmares got bad again. James woke up to Remus shaking him, pale and drawn in the darkness.

"James. James!" He blinked blearily, and noticed idly he was crying. He was so sweaty he felt like he'd just crawled out of the lake. His bed was soaked. His hair was stuck to his skin, along with his pyjamas. He was shirtless and shivering under his blanket, only wearing his flannel bottoms.

"What..?" James wiped at his eyes in the dark. His voice was thick with tears. "I don't..."

"You were crying." Remus looked shaken. "You kept talking, and you were crying like..."

"I'm sorry." James couldn't seem to stop crying. His dream stuck to him. He felt sick to his stomach, completely nauseated. "Just nervous, I guess."

"Nervous?" Remus crouched beside his bed. "You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"

"Can you-" James, to his horror, cut himself off with own vicious sobs. The tears came out of him as involuntarily as vomit. Choking him, ragged breath and hot tears. It felt more visceral than it ever had before. "S-Silencing spell-?"

"Muffliato." Remus cast instantly, his expression contorted with worry. "Take a breath, James."

He tried to breathe in, like swallowing water, and choked on the air.

"Good god," Remus pulled his blanket off of him and climbed into his sweat soaked bed, sitting beside him. "Sit up, James." James let him pull him upright, then grabbed him and held him. Remus held him too, rubbing circles in his back while he cried. "You're safe, it's okay—" James made a sound he'd never made before, a low keen. Remus held him tighter. "Just try to breathe."

It took a long time for his tears to settle. He breathed in Remus' spiced, warm smell, like cinnamon and wood, fire smoke, comforting. He sniffled.

"I'm sorry." Remus' warm eyes burned into his in the dark, his scars barely visible in the absence of moonlight. It was a new moon.

"Don't apologize, James. Don't ever apologize to me for crying. How many times have you helped me through nights like this? It's okay to need help. I'll always be here. I don't ever want you to go through this alone, alright?"

"Alright," James echoed softly.

"Tell me about your dream." Remus carded his fingers through his hair, and James felt fresh tears spring to his eyes.

"I don't know if I can."

"You can't bottle it up, James," Remus said firmly. "Tell me. Please." He shook his head helplessly.

"I don't know how to explain it," he said quietly. His voice broke. "It was horrible. Beyond description."

"Do you want to try?" His scarred hand was rough, and warm on his skin. James wanted to hold him tight and never let him go.

"It was raining," he whispered. "Blood was falling from the sky, covering everything. The castle, the grounds. It was pouring over the windows, thick enough it blocked out all of the sunlight. You kept-" His tears stopped his breath. "You all wanted to go outside and see it. I kept trying to stop you, but none of you would listen. Sirius opened the doors, and ran into all of the rain, the blood, and I tried to follow him to bring him back in, to keep him safe. But the blood was everywhere. Everything was red. It filled my mouth, burned my eyes. I was choking on it, and I was lost, like I was inside of a blizzard. I couldn't see, I could barely hear anything that wasn't my heartbeat. But every so often I would hear Sirius—" James retched, and couldn't bring himself to speak. He felt like he was going to be sick.