unspeakable | jegulus

i'd give you everything i've got for a little peace of mind

chapter title: i'm so tired by the beatles

"What did you do to him?" Remus was angrier than he had ever seen him in his life. His face was twisted, his eyes looked sharp. Wolffish. James hadn't slept last night, just wandered the castle grounds like a ghost then forced himself to sit through classes in the same clothes he'd worn the day before. He had a dark purple bruise beside his eye and across his cheekbone. Regulus had left it there. He didn't have to wonder why.

They were sitting in the great hall for lunch. Everyone gave James a wide berth.

"Do you really want to know?" He had only seen Sirius from a distance, but he looked like a mess. His hair was lank and unbrushed, and shadows hollowed his eyes. "I told you what I was going to do, Remus. This is already hard enough."

The anger in his expression softened.

"What happened to your eye?" James looked at the table, and didn't speak softly.

"Sirius."

"James..." Remus had a line between his eyebrows that only appeared when he was worried about something. Or angry. "Are you sure this is the right thing to do?"

"I know it is. If I had any doubt, I wouldn't have done it." He pushed his food around on his plate. He hadn't been able to stomach anything lately. His clothes were getting looser. "I shouldn't even be talking to you." Remus' expression twisted.

"You still can for now, right?" He smiled tightly. "Sirius won't say anything about what happened, but I can tell it was bad. I guess it had to be, if he hit you."

"Regulus healed most of it." James had never been so depressed in his life. "Not all of it."

"Listen, if you ever want to talk to me about any of this, I'm always here. I'll always be here. I care about you, James." He had a warm intensity in his expression. He looked as tired as James felt.

"I know you are. I'll talk with you about it eventually, I just can't do it now. I really can't." James looked away. "You should go sit with him. It's alright, Remus." He didn't want to talk to anyone else, he just wanted to sink into his own misery like cool water. He didn't deserve any comfort. He had chosen this. He understood the price of it, he didn't need Remus to sit there out of some kind of obligation while Sirius was suffering and didn't even know why. It wasn't fair. None of this was fair.

"James, I-"

"Just go, Remus." His exhaustion bled into his voice. "It's okay. Really. Just go."

His friend grabbed his shoulder and looked into his eyes. His hand was broad and warm, flecked with silvery scars.

"I'll see you around." It wasn't a casual statement. It felt more like a solemn promise.

James looked at the table and waited for time to pass. Lately it had been creeping by at a crawl. Maybe he would have to quit the quidditch team too. Everything he loved about his life was disappearing in front of him, and the only person he could blame was himself. He was doing the right thing, but he felt worse than he ever had.

Someone sat in the empty seat across from him and he didn't even look up.

"Potter." An unfamiliar, sly voice.