unspeakable | jegulus

he gave me back my smile

chapter title: california by joni mitchell

When he woke, the curtains around his bed were open, sunlight shone through the room, and Regulus was fast asleep. He was half on top of him, his nose still red, his hair was a wild, wavy mess like it always was before he disappeared into the bathroom in the morning. He must use some kind of potion to make it neat and smooth. James traced the slope of his nose with a light touch because he knew he could, watching him sleepily move his head to the side, then cuddle into his chest. He smiled. He felt so warm looking at him.

He felt eyes on him. Peter and Remus still had their curtains drawn but Sirius didn't. He was sitting cross legged on his bed in his pyjamas, gazing at them. His face was a blurred oval. James realized he wasn't wearing his glasses. He didn't remember taking them off. He fumbled around with the pillow until he found them. They were fingerprinted and dirty. Regulus cuddled closer to him in his sleep every time he moved. They were both still in their school uniforms, ties and all.

"I haven't heard him cry like that in years." Sirius' eyebrows furrowed. "I was sitting outside the door, I know I shouldn't have done it, but I wanted to know. It's messed up. Everything I do is messed up. I wanted to hear what you two talked about, so I listened." He opened his mouth, closed it, his expression twisting.

"Just leave it alone, Sirius."

"I didn't know he still cried like that." His voice was thick. "He used to cry all the time when he was a kid. Before I went to Hogwarts. He would cry-"

"Listen, I know you mean well but, I don't think he'd want you to tell me any of this." James felt sick thinking about Regulus waking up right now.  Or feigning sleep and hearing about Sirius listening to him have a breakdown, saying nothing, watching him sleep. He knew it would end badly. "If you need to talk about this, Sirius, now isn't the time." He looked down at Regulus' peaceful, sleeping face.

"I'm sorry, you're right." The sadness on his face looked bitter. "But I have to tell you, when he begged you not to leave him, James, I think it was because of me." He shut the curtains around his bed, and James could hear the loud silence of a muffliato charm swallow him from across the room. He wished he had silenced the room yesterday, his bed, at least, but he had been so focused on helping Regulus everything else had seemed unimportant.

Love, he had called him. Love, love, love.

It was Saturday so he let him sleep, brushing his hair behind his ear and watching the sun wash him in warm light. He eventually started to stir, leaning sleepily toward him. Blinking slowly, like a cat.

"I think you should always wear your hair like this." James smiled at him, tugging at a wavy lock of black hair.

Regulus kissed him. Soft and slow. It was sweet, and lingering, golden, pouring over him like honey. This was the first time he had kissed him (when they were alone) since Halloween. Halloween hardly counted, in James' mind. Nothing but a blurry drunken haze of skin and spit. This was different. Regulus smiled against his mouth. The sunlight made his pale eyes look like they were full of stars.

"Can you wake up and kiss me everyday?" Regulus laughed. Happily, which as far as James knew was rarer than a solar eclipse.

"You can call me love now, you've earned it."

"Earned it, have I?" Regulus nodded, and kissed him again. "If you don't stop kissing me, love, we're never leaving this bed."