unspeakable | jegulus

foolish pride

chapter title: walk on by by dionne warwick

He woke up again to arguing. James peeked up at his friends blearily.

"What are you doing? I don't understand why you'd keep yourself up half the night comforting him. You don't think he deserves to suffer a little for what he's planning to do?" Peter was red in the face, raising his voice like he always did when he was angry.

"He's our friend, Peter. I won't abandon him. How do you expect we'd ever get him back if we lock him out now?" Remus' voice was still gravelly with sleep. "He's punishing himself enough already. You know James. What makes you think he's taking any of this lightly?"

"I don't know, maybe I'd care more if he didn't seem perfectly happy—"

"He seems perfectly happy to you?" Remus asked, his voice low and pointed. "James, waking up in the night screaming and crying. James."

"I just don't understand why you're helping him when you know what he's planning to do." James closed his eyes again, feigning sleep.

"Our friendship will never be over, Peter. Not until I'm dead or he is. I want him to know he can always come back, even if he has that evil mark on his arm. If you have a problem with that, I don't really care. He's my best friend. I'm not going anywhere, even if he's being self destructive." Remus sounded angry. "It's not like he's doing it for ideological reasons, he's not a blood supremacist. He's doing it because he's stupid, and he's in love. He wants to save that boy, Peter. He's going to kill himself trying."

"What do you mean?"

"Regulus. That's what all of this is about. The whole... Christ... terrible mess with Sirius too. He doesn't even treat James very well. It sounds..." His voice trailed off. "Whatever. It seems toxic to me, but James thinks it's real love. You saw how he was about Lily. It's just like that with Regulus, except Regulus isn't like Lily at all."

"I'm worried about him too. I understand why you're not leaving him alone, I guess. But, don't you think this is just going to make it hurt more when he finally does something really unforgivable?" Peter sounded tired. His voice didn't have any fight left in it.

"What makes you think he'd do something unforgivable?"

"That's what Regulus wants from him, isn't it?"

"I don't know what Regulus wants. I don't think James does either." It was getting more difficult to stay relaxed enough to pretend to sleep. "Peter, the things he tells me about him don't sound good. I think Reg makes him keep a lot of secrets. I'm worried."

"Did he tell you what happened with Lily?" Peter asked him, lowly, and James wanted to curl up and die. "She told me."

"I know it was bad. He punched the mirror in the loo after she left. He wouldn't talk to anyone about it, even me."

"Regulus was holding her at wandpoint in here, threatening her and all." Peter sounded disturbed. "And he asked James who's side he was on, and James said 'Depends what you're planning to do', reasonable enough, yeah?"

"Yeah." James hadn't told Remus any of it, not on any detail at least, and now he wished he had. "I guess."

"Regulus says 'Wrong answer', and cuts off her hair with a cutting curse." The disgust in his voice was palpable. "Then asks him again, who's side are you on, and James just says 'Yours', without any argument, without trying to stop his evil fuckin' boyfriend. What's that about, Remus?"

"You don't think he was scared of what Regulus would do?"

"Why is he dating someone he's scared of?" Peter asked in return. "That's not the worst bit of it. I don't remember exactly how it went, what Lily said word for word, you know, but I remember the gist of it." His voice changed, full of revulsion. "James told Black off for holding her at wandpoint and pulled him back. Black didn't like that. He said he was going to spill Lily's 'filthy blood' if James didn't prove he was on his side. She said James looked disgusted with himself, but he still raised his wand and pointed it right at her. Admitted to her face he was going to be a Death Eater—"