unspeakable | jegulus

now take a look, there's no tears in her eyes

chapter title: there she goes again by the velvet underground

tw: their unhealthy relationship dynamic is more explicit in this chapter.

James wordlessly sank into his bed. He mechanically untied his shoes and set them at the foot of it. He felt empty inside.

"James?" Regulus put a hand on his shoulder and he shrugged him off. "Muffliato."

Regulus was almost as good at muffling charms as he was. The silence was absolute.

"Talk to me." James didn't look at him. "James, please."

"Some of that wasn't for her benefit," he said stiffly, still staring at the wooden floor. Dusty, warm wood. He didn't want to see anything else.

"It was. I swear."

"I'm tired, Regulus. It's been a long day. Do we really have to talk about this?"

"You're upset."

"I know." James didn't like the petulant edge to his voice but he couldn't seem to stop it. Regulus touched his shoulder again and this time he didn't shy away. His hand was cold, even through his school robes.

"I'm sorry." James looked up. Sirius and Remus were in the room again, outside their little bubble. They were staring at them, twinned worry on their faces. He glared at Regulus. Wide, innocent looking grey eyes. His lips pressed together. He was so angry he could barely think. He didn't like fighting in front of his friends, so he tried not to look as angry as he felt. He doubted he succeeded.

"I don't believe you." Regulus' expression twisted. James stood up and shrugged off his robe. "That's a shitty apology." He took off his belt and his tie, and put both in his trunk, exchanging them for casual clothes, pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt. "I want to be alone, you can stay here. Please just leave me alone. If I keep talking to you..." His hand curled into a fist, tension locked his whole body up. His blood boiled. "And if you start a fight with your brother, you're sleeping in his bed."

He left the silenced corner of their room and stalked toward the showers. His footfalls were heavy, like they always were when he was mad. What was he playing at? Why did he push it so far?

"You alright, James?" Remus called after him.

"No." He shoved into the bathroom without another word, and raged in a boiling hot shower.

What was wrong with him? Why wasn't anything ever enough for him? James told him he loved him and he immediately used it against him. Forced him to hurt the girl he told him he would always love. Regulus had cut her hair off. It was probably still on the floor, a line of fire, a prelude to hell. Lily told him he was going to hell. Not in a crazy, jealous ex girlfriend way, in a 'You are morally bankrupt and I hate who you have become' way. And it felt real because James could have said no. He could have said Regulus, stop. But he didn't. He let him do what he wanted. Maybe that was a good thing, maybe it would truly keep her away from them. But, maybe it was the beginning of something bad.

Falling headfirst into Regulus. His head already bashed against the rocks, before he could even pretend to fly. James washed his hair, and imagined he could wash away the memories of today. Fighting with Regulus in the snow, finding out Regulus was using him for revenge, fighting with Regulus in the classroom, telling him he loved him, threatening Lily, his shitty fucking apology. Down the drain with the dirty soap bubbles. It didn't work. He wanted to break something. He wanted to cry. He turned off the shower, dressed himself while he was still wet, then stood in front of the mirror.