unspeakable | jegulus

foolish heart

chapter title: my foolish heart by lesley gore

James took off his invisibility cloak and pocketed it when he got to the last few steps of the astronomy tower. He could see Regulus sitting near the edge, looking at the sky. It was a warm night for October, but on the astronomy tower it was still cold. The wind was a quiet whisper, hardly even there at all.

"See anything interesting?" James sat beside him on the cold stone floor. He could feel the chill seeping into him through his clothes.

"Nothing I haven't seen before." Regulus glanced at him out of the corner of his eye. A flash of silver. "I've been thinking about your idea."

"What have you been thinking?"

Regulus' voice was soft, almost cloying. "Are you attracted to me?"

James stilled, his easy smile freezing in place.

"I don't see how that's relevant."

"You don't?"

"It's supposed to be fake anyways, right? So why does it matter?" James looked at his upturned mouth, and his blood felt like it was running hotter than it normally did in his veins.

"Humour me." His little smile grew. He felt like his face was on fire. "Are you gay?"

"I don't know what I am," he answered honestly. "I've always been... confused about it."

"What do you mean?" Regulus leaned toward him, and James didn't pull away. His eyes were so close. Sometimes they looked almost owlish, catlike, taking up so much of his pale face. "How could you be confused?"

"Well, I've always liked girls. Obviously," He laughed nervously, running his hand through his hair, scratching the back of his head. "You saw how it was with Lily."

"So that's it then, you like girls." Regulus seemed disappointed.

"That's not it." He wanted to fall through the floor. He'd never told anyone about these feelings before, not even Sirius. "I don't just like girls. I'm bad at explaining this, I've never told another person before. I've had... feelings for other men. I always tried not to think about it, but it was there. I don't know."

"What kind of feelings?" James hid his head in his hands. His face was burning. He remembered those foolish years he'd spent when he was younger. Eyes following Frank around the quidditch pitch, lingering on his back in the showers. When he was fourteen, watching Remus stretch and yawn, memorizing the sliver of his stomach under his shirt.

"Desire." His voice sounded thick even to his own ears.

"Did you act on it?" He had never felt so embarrassed. He shook his head, no.

"I was too scared of what it would mean if I liked it as much as I liked thinking about it. Are you gay?"

"Yes. I am." James couldn't look at him. "Muggleborns, halfbloods, they seem to have some kind of idea about homosexuality that we don't. Is that why you're scared?"

"Remus is a half-blood," James said into his knees. "I guess I was a little worried what he would think. Sirius has always had girls all over him, and he's never said anything about other men. Never. Then Peter, I don't know. Peter wouldn't care, but I don't think he's like me. I don't think any of them are like me." He felt sad. "How greedy is it to want both? But, how could I just choose one and spend my life ignoring the rest? Even when I was a kid I had crushes on other boys, on my friends. I felt like an interloper. Like a spy. Always trapped seeing everyone as though they could be-" He stopped himself, biting his lip. "I'm not gay, but I'm not straight either. I don't know if there's a name for that, but it's what I am."