t/w domestic violence, child sexual abuse
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{from Goddess of Innocence: The Autobiography of Catlyn Bordio}
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It had been Vivero's idea. I was four going on five when he mentioned it to me. If our mom ever brought home someone physically abusive, we'd let them hit us, because, if they hit us, then they weren't hitting our mom.
I went along with it because I was fucking four, I didn't really understand the pact I was making.
I was five going on six the first time my mom brought home someone abusive. I remember his name was Antony. He hit me, and because my mom had been out with the twins, I went crying to Vivero. I said I was gonna tell mom and he shook his head.
"You promised, remember?" Is what he said.
That's the saying we always threw around when one of us mentioned fighting back or even so much as telling our mother.
"You promised, remember?"
Antony and Veronica were together for about six months before they split.
Men came and gone, I was around Eddie often which you know all about and it wasn't exactly fun, but at least he didn't live with us.
Then came Rufusian Danbi. Or, just Rufi. At first, he was a much nicer one. He took us kids out to eat, he was always friendly. It was about a month into living with him that he decided he wanted to have his way with me.
My mom was out and Vivero had just left to take the twins down the street to the playground. I was in my room watching some shitty reality show when Rufi came in.
He began telling me how pretty I was and though I was uncomfortable, I knew not to say no.
Everyone say thank you, Eddie.
It was after that he started hitting us. Never Vivero though. Just me and the twins and of course when our mom and Viv weren't around. I let him keep doing what he was doing to me because I made him agree to leave Geojulie and Geajule alone if I did. He agreed. He thankfully kept that agreement, though he still hit them. I remember Geajule and Geojulie in my room, stomping her feet, and saying she hated it. Similar to the way I would with Vivero.
In the way I don't count Eddie as losing my virginity, I do not count Rufi as losing my virginity.
I was six and then I was eleven.
Besides, what the hell is virginity anyway, if not some bullshit concept made up by men to make women feel shitty?
I am not a virgin because I've had consensual sex. It only counts as losing your virginity if it is consensual. That is my firm belief. I lost my virginity when I was sixteen to someone I said yes to, not at eleven, and especially not at six.
