Maddie's POV:
Did anyone ever tell you life gets easier when you get older? Well they lied. Life gets so much worse. People suck, school sucks, everything sucks. Life gets more complicated and just everything gets too much.
I'm currently sat in front of miss Richardson. I think she just asked me a question, too be honest I haven't listened to one word she's said.
"Maddie, I just asked you something"she says breaking me out of my head. "What's being going on?" I strugged my shoulders and just stared at my now shaking hands.
"Your barely showing up to your classes, your grades aren't the best, and even now you can't even have a conversation with me. So I'll ask again. What's going on? I'm here Maddie , you can talk to me." Again I just shrugged my shoulders.
This isn't the first time I've had a teacher bring me into her office to 'talk' before. I have this conversation memorized practically and I know how this ends, they'll just phone my dad or I guess it's now my mum and that'll cause more problems. So no, I'm just going to sit here until she gives up and sends me back to class.
"I called your mom the other day. She's concerned about you too. You have these people around you that are here for you and care, you just need to let them in."
She doesn't even know me. Why is she worried? She'll just try and make me talk to her or my aunts and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of them all acting like I'm this fragile little girl that needs help. I don't need help. I'm fine. I'm me.
"You can't keep on pushing everyone away. One day your going to push the people that really care about you too far and you'll realise how much you needed them but it'll be too late. I'm trying to stop and help you before it gets too late." She sighs after she gets no response from me.
"You can stay in here for the last ten minutes. Then I'll let you go. Your mum picking you up?" I nod my head. Have I really been sat here for that long?
"Okay" she starts typing on her computer and for the last few minutes I just sit there staring at the floor.
The bell goes and she stands up and walks me out to the car. Mum gets out and greets miss but I just sit in passenger seat ignoring them both.
After a few minutes of them whispering to each other, mum finally says goodbye and gets in the car.
"How was school honey?" I just shrug . She sighs and starts driving. I think she realises I'm not in the mood to be having chit chats with her.
As soon as we get home, I head straight to my room and just lie in my bed.
I'm trying to get some sleep before dinner. Usually after dinner I can never go back to sleep. My mind at that point is already wide awake and driving me mad.
I haven't seen Lizzie for a few weeks but she's been messaging me. At first I replied to them but now I'm just too tired to. My phone has so many notifications that I'm just too tired to reply to. I feel bad for ignoring Lizzie because she hasn't done anything to me but It's just too much. All of this is too much.
Maybe miss Richardson was right, maybe i am going to push people too far away. But at this moment in time I can't seen to want to take a grasp of that and stop that from happening.
Everything is just the big time loop. Nothing is changing, nothing is going to change. I'm going to be stuck in this endless loop for the rest of my life. I've been putting up with this loop for so long that's it's now just my normal.
Part of me is terrified, I don't want my life to be like this. I don't want to be back, stuck in that endless loop with no escape. It feels like I have these tiny voices in my head that won't stop screaming and they just keep getting louder and louder. It's all I can hear.
I don't want to be like this. I want to be okay. I don't want this to be my life. But I don't know how to change it. I'm so exhausted. All of the memories and feelings I have suppressed are all coming back in waves and they're too quick to catch up too.
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THE MUSIC I LISTEN TOO REALLY SHOWS IN MY WRITTING.
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