When you love me

Landing

The morning is gray, as if the world shares my mood. My suitcase is on the bedroom floor, open and half full with clothes scattered around it. Each piece I place inside is an additional weight on my heart, as if I were packing my own resistance and sending it away.

My father is at the door, watching silently as I finish packing my things. He doesn't say anything, but his eyes reveal a mix of hope and concern. I sigh, closing the suitcase with a final snap.

— It's time — he says softly, breaking the heavy silence that has always surrounded us. I nod, unable to look directly at him. I picked up my suitcase and we went to the living room, where Nicholas was sitting on the sofa, playing with his toy cars, while Suzy watched him lovingly, as every mother should do. When he sees me, his big blue eyes widen.

— Are you really going, Jennie? — His sweet voice trembles slightly.

I kneel in front of him, holding his small hands in mine.

— I will, Nick. — I respond, forcing a smile that doesn't reach my eyes. —But I'll be back soon, I promise.

He frowns, clearly trying to understand something much bigger than his seven-year-old mind can comprehend.

— Are you going to be your mother?

I nod again, feeling a familiar lump tighten in my throat.

— Yes, I'm going to see... my mother.

He hugs me suddenly, his little arms wrapping around my neck tightly.

— Don't forget about me, okay? - He says.

My eyes threaten to fill with tears as I hold my brother against me.

— Never, Nick. I'll never forget you, shorty.

I reluctantly let go and stand up, picking up my suitcase again. Suzy puts a hand on my shoulder, a gesture of support that ends up giving me the strength to continue.

— Take care of yourself, Jennie. — she murmurs. — And remember, you can come back at any time.

I take a deep breath, trying to absorb his support and turn it into courage.

— I am going to try.

We leave the house and my father walks me to the car. I place the suitcase in the trunk and turn to him one last time before getting in.

— Thank you for trying to understand me. — I say, my voice low, filled with so many feelings that wouldn't even fit into long sentences.

He shakes his head, eyes shining with unshed tears.

— I just want you to be happy, Jennie. And perhaps facing this is the first step.

I get in the car and take one last look at my dad, Nicholas and Suzy, feeling my heart sink in a way I don't remember what it felt like. I don't know what awaits me in Cannon Beach, with the woman who left me behind when I needed her most becoming my biggest wound. But, I needed to discover and close my wounds that were still bleeding.

The plane lands smoothly, but my heart beats wildly in my chest. I look out the window, seeing Portland unfold beneath me, a city I barely know but is now the scene of my impending confrontation with my past.

I get off the plane and walk through the terminal, following the signs indicating baggage claim. Tension builds with each step, my body reacting before my mind can even fully process what's coming.

There she is, the woman, standing by the baggage claim, a bright smile on her face as if we were about to begin the happiest vacation of our lives. My breath catches for a moment as I watch her. She hasn't changed that much since I last saw her, but it feels like an eternity has passed since then.