When you love me

Red lights

I wake up to the sound of a message on my cell phone. Still drowsy, I reach over to pick up the phone on the bedside table. The screen illuminates the still dark room, and I see that it's a message from Ryan.

"I'm sorry, Jennie. I won't be able to teach surfing lessons today. An unforeseen event arose."

My heart squeezes. Did I do something wrong? Serpa that it was because of the meeting with Cole? I feel terrible about the possibility that I ruined my chances with Ryan, which were already few, by leaving his friend.

I get up slowly, trying to push away the negative thoughts. I need some fresh air, so I decide to go for a walk. I go downstairs, and as I pass the kitchen, I find my mother sitting at the table, crying silently. She tries to disguise it when she sees me.

— Are you well? — I ask, even with the tension between us.

She quickly wipes away her tears and forces a smile.

— I am well darling. Don't worry.

I feel a lump in my throat, thinking that your tears are because of me.

— Hey, I know we need to talk, but... I'm not ready yet. — I say.

She sighs.

— I respect your time, Jennie. I understand that you need to process everything. I just want you to know that I'm here when you're ready. — Her voice comes out hoarse and low. — My tears are for another reason, dear. There's something going on, but... it's going to be okay.

I'm surprised, but she quickly changes the subject.

— Go walk around? Have at least one juice before going out.

I nod and accept the glass of juice she serves me. Then I leave each and start walking along the beach, trying to understand what is happening. It can't be a coincidence, with Ryan not being able to teach, and my mother crying. There's something going on. I wonder if something happened to Ryan.

As I walk, my mind keeps coming back to Ryan's message. Maybe I should send a response, clarify things. I pick up my cell phone and start typing:

"Hi Ryan. I hope you are well. I was worried about his message. If I did something wrong, please tell me."

I hesitate a little before sending it, but I decide it's better to be honest, whatever it was. I put my phone away and keep walking, trying to find some solace in the peace of the morning.

I decide that a change of scenery might help clear my head, so I head to Lila's bookstore. Upon entering, the smell of paper and freshly brewed coffee immediately welcomes me. I walk between the shelves and find Lila organizing some books.

— Hi, Lila. I say, trying to sound casual.

— Hi, Jennie.

— There are no surf lessons today. — I comment, almost like a whine.

— Do you know the reason? Did Ryan say something?

I shake my head.

— He just said that an unforeseen event arose, he didn't give details.

Lila lets out a heavy sigh and looks down, visibly worried.

— His mother is sick again. Cancer returned, and he spent the night in the hospital with her.

I stand still, feeling a wave of guilt wash over me.

— W-what?

— It must be difficult for him. — Lila continues, with a sad look. — Ryan isn't much for talking about his problems, but this is really getting to him.

— So that's... that's why... — I remember my mother crying and Ryan's message, it was all connected, as I suspected — Should I... go see him? I do not know what to do.

— Hey, calm down. Ryan probably doesn't want to see anyone right now. He went through this once, and isolated himself, trying to deal with it all. Give him time.

— Right. Of course, you're right. I'm just... shocked, I guess. I don't know if shocked is the right word...

— Didn't your mother say anything?

I shake my head.

— I saw her crying, but she didn't say anything to me. — I shake my head several times, completely lost. — I thought I had done something wrong... that by going out with Cole he wanted to move away. I feel terrible.

Lila shakes her head.

— No way. He likes you, Jennie. I think he just doesn't want to worry you. Ryan is like that, he keeps everything to himself.

My mind spins with all the information.

— What can I do to help you?

— Being a shoulder to lean on is a great start. — Lila responds, giving me a smile. — Ryan is strong, but everyone needs support in moments like this.

I thank Lila and leave the bookstore, feeling an even greater weight in my heart. I walk back home, thinking about how much Ryan must be hurting. When I arrive, I take out my cell phone and send another message.

— Ryan, I'm sorry to hear about your mother. I'm here for you if you need anything.

After sending the message, I hope it brings some comfort. While waiting for a response, I take my camera and start taking photos around the house and the beach, to distract myself and not be anxious for the message to be returned.

I return home and look for my mother, who is gardening with Sophie.

— Do you have a... place to develop photographs? I ask.

My mother looks up, completely surprised by the question. She gets up and comes towards me.

— Have you taken photographs again?

— I think so. I just... — I stutter, unexpectedly — Is there somewhere I can reveal it?

— Clear.

She motions for me to follow her, while Sophie follows us, looking at me.

— I knew... what happened. I'm sorry about your friend. — I say, my voice is lower than I expected.

— Thank you dear.

Alone, I start to look at the photos she took and posted scattered all over the place. Each one is personal and intimate: faces of unknown people, animals in spontaneous moments, stunning landscapes. Her skill is undeniable, and I admit to myself that we have more in common than I would like to admit.

I decide to lose myself in the process of revelation, something that always brought me peace. I remember the steps, each movement meticulous and precise. The smell of chemicals and the feeling of red light in the dark room brings back memories. I start to develop some photos I took, feeling a good feeling that I haven't felt in a long time.

As I watch the images form on the paper, I think about Ryan. I feel that, despite the short time I've known him, he moves me. But I conclude that we will have nothing to do with each other. For Sarah, for her mother's illness and because I'm leaving soon. I decide I can't get attached to him.

I finish developing the photos and hang them up to dry, feeling proud of what I did. The images are beautiful, capturing peaceful moments of the beach and the surrounding nature. It's a small step, but it makes me feel more connected to something real and tangible, something that belongs to me.

I sit on the bedroom floor, looking at the photos hanging. I sit there for a while, anxiously awaiting their completion, while thinking about the things I can still change while I'm in Cannon Beach. My thoughts return to Ryan, even though I'm trying to think about something else.