When you love me

Love and Resilience

Since Lauren's death, Ryan has withdrawn from everyone. He's become a recluse, unable to accept his mother's death. Everyone has tried to reach out and help him, but he refuses to let anyone in on his grief. He won't even let me near him, and he keeps pulling away.

Sometimes, he won't show up for two or more days, staying alone in the house he's shared with his mother his entire life. My mother has visited him a few times and convinced him to come over, but it hasn't happened often, and we've always been worried about him being away.

"He just needs some time, honey," my mother says. "It's been hard on all of us, Jennie."

My father insisted that I go back with him, and while I couldn't make up my mind, he stayed with us, along with Suzy and Nick. We were like a strange family in the same house, sharing guest rooms and a confusing routine. But somehow, it was good to have them around.

A week after Lauren's death, Ryan decided to fulfill an old dream. He told my mother that he could now travel across America on his motorcycle, and that he needed some time alone. And he did, without saying goodbye. He didn't even say "goodbye" or "see you soon" to me, he simply disappeared, along with all the hopes I had for a reconciliation.

Without Ryan, without Lauren. It's like we're having one of those horrible nightmares that seem so real that when we wake up, we're scared. But it wasn't a nightmare, it was real, and we're still scared.

"He doesn't want to stay here," my mother says. "Maybe, with this... trip, he'll calm down and come back. After all, his whole life is here. He's not going to just disappear, out of nowhere. Ryan has strong roots in Cannon Beach. Give him some time."

"What if, when he comes back, he doesn't want to talk to me anymore?"

"There's nothing we can do, honey, we just have to respect his wishes." I didn't want to give up, so I told my dad I wanted to stay in Cannon Beach, and he agreed, as long as I didn't drop out of school and finished the school year. So I went to Montana, took all the tests and activities, saw old friends and Lori, who strangely enough found out about Lauren and Ryan, and tried to comfort me.

— I'm sorry, Jennie. — Lori says.

— How did you know?

— I still visit your Instagram...

I posted some things on my social media, but always in a discreet way, without revealing too much, but it seems that Lori caught all the messages because she still knew me well, despite our ridiculous distance.

— Thank you, Lori.

— Can we... be friends again? I apologize for all the shit I caused you. I was... influenced, but I did it because I wanted to, so I'm guilty of being a jerk to you.

— I also apologize for the punch I gave you.

— Lori laughs.

— That hurt!

— Sorry! — I start laughing too.

— I walked away from those girls because I realized I was becoming a bitch with them. — Lori reveals, her eyes lowered, ashamed. — I shouldn't have abandoned you, Jennie.

— Let's forget about it. Life is a breath.

I spend the afternoon with Lori, I tell her everything that happened in the last five weeks in Cannon Beach, about Lauren and Ryan, and how important they became to me. And Lori tells me how terrible she felt about our separation, and that her parents were separating.

— Maybe I'll go to Idaho with my dad. — she says. — I don't want to go.

— And you told them you don't want to?