When you love me

Who we are together

I've barely been out of my room since I got back from the beach and had that confusing conversation with Ryan. Upset isn't even the full word that defines how I'm feeling right now. He asked me for time, but it was clear he wanted to finish. He just didn't have the courage to verbalize it. Maybe it's time for me to think about myself more, and spend time with Lauren. I can't be at the mercy of Ryan's whims, or whatever is happening to him. Him being upset doesn't give him the right to hurt me.

Lauren was discharged to stay at home, and this increased our concerns for her. The tension between Ryan and I was growing, and even when we were together around Lauren, we pretended like everything was fine between us, so as not to worry her. Or is it just me pretending, and Ryan just goes with the flow.

It's late afternoon, everyone gets together for a special dinner with Lauren. It's my birthday, and my mom planned a surprise for me. I didn't know what to expect, and when I walk into the room, I see a decorated cake and presents, with all eyes on me. The memory of my 7th birthday came back with a vengeance, throwing me into a whirlwind of conflicting feelings.

I panic. The room seems to close in around me, and everyone's voices turn into a distant hum. I need to get out of here. I run out of the house, my feet carry me away, until I find a quieter place, where I can breathe.

Ryan comes up behind me, concern written all over his face.

— Jennie. — he calls. — Everything is fine?

I turn to him, trying to control my heavy breathing.

— No, Ryan. Nothing is okay. I can't deal with this. With your mother, my mother, with you... it's all too much.

He approaches, hesitantly.

— Breathe. Just... try to breathe and let it out, slowly...

I obey him.

— It feels like I went back to my 7th birthday and... that everything is happening again... I know it sounds crazy, but... I've started to hate birthdays since my mom left.

— I know...

— I wanted to get over this... — I start to cry and feel suffocated.

— Hey... we understand. Your mother will understand, and I'm sure she will... forgive you. — he clears his throat, as if wanting to change the subject. — And I know things are... difficult right now. I didn't want to hurt you, or ask for time. I just thought... with everything going on, it would be better.

— Better for whom? — the words come out before I can stop them. — Do you think breaking up will make things easier? I just wanted to be by your side, Ryan. But it seems like you don't want me there anymore.

He looks at the floor, guilt in his eyes.

— That's not it, Jen. I want you by my side, more than anything. I just don't know how to deal with all this. And I don't give you the impression that you went through all this just to be with me.

— Are you serious?

— I am.

— Isn't it because you're jealous of Cole, or weren't your feelings for me that crazy?

— I'm still crazy about you, and I'm still jealous of you with Cole.

— Ryan, if we're together, it's natural that I want to be by your side, both in good times and in bad. If not, why would we stay together?

— Your breathing is normal now. — he changes the subject.

— It seems so.

"So can we go back inside and...pretend you didn't run away?"