When you love me

Things change

The fact that I've worked things out with Ryan gives me a little hope that my life hasn't been as lonely as I always felt. Being with him, holding his hand and having all his attention for me, makes me think that everything in life is possible, and how things change from one moment to the next.

— You do not come? — he asks.

— Let's be alone...

— I'm not going to touch you, Jennie.

— I wasn't thinking about that.

He approaches, with that affectionate look that only he has.

—What's going on in that pretty little head of yours? — he asks.

— How things change. Until yesterday... we weren't talking. Or rather, earlier today.

He hugs me and looks at me.

— Until earlier today, I was an idiot.

— An idiot that I adore.

He smiles and places a kiss on my nose.

We entered the house, turning on all the lights wherever we went. I go to the kitchen while he leaves some things in the guest room. Then he appears in the kitchen, watching me with his arms crossed in silence.

— What are you doing? — he wanted to know.

— Something for us to eat. I'm starving.

— I must say that there are two of us.

— A strawberry mint smoothie and a turkey sandwich. What about? — I say, a smile appearing on my face, because I'm really happy. — Don't you think you'd better call your mother?

— I spoke to her before I came looking for you. I told her I'd go to bed early, and I think she noticed I'd been upset.

— Because of me?

— Because of many things, Jennie. But, now I feel lighter because this part, both of us, is my favorite now.

— I didn't know you said such cheesy things, but I thought it was cute.

I go to him and kiss him. It's a delicate kiss, and I think even passionate. I do not know for sure. But every kiss from Ryan awakens intense feelings in me that I've never felt before, and it's a little scary. It's scary for me, as I've never been able to get emotionally involved with someone. With Ryan it's different. It always has been, from the beginning.

— Come help me. — I ask him, he wrinkles his nose and gives me a peck. I wonder if all the kisses we share are as passionate for him as they are for me.

We make snacks, side by side. Getting to know each other's spontaneous side. Laughing like fools and exchanging delicate kisses whenever we get close.

— How about we eat in the room? — I suggest. — We can watch a movie.

— He is sure?

— I have.

He nods and takes the plates, I take the glasses, and we go to my room.

I turn on the TV to Netflix and we choose a movie together. Actually, the choice is random, but we agreed that it would be the one, because it had Liam Nelson in the cast, and Ryan said he's a fan of his.

We sat on the floor, side by side, with pillows supporting our backs, and they on my bed.

Ryan hold my hand, intertwining our fingers, like he did on the beach. His eyes meet mine, and our exchange of glances lasts a few seconds. Enough to know how much we liked each other, how much we wanted each other. He approaches and kisses me, in a way that no one has ever kissed me. In a way that I want to merge with him and never be separated again.

He pulls away a little, subtly, and looks at me.

— We need to go slowly. - He says.

I silently agree, just nod my head. A part of me says he's right, that we really need to slow down, let things happen, while another part wants to run, pick up speed, as if nothing else matters.

We ate snacks and watched the movie, then we hugged until the end. Ryan ends up falling asleep, his head rests on my shoulder and I try not to wake him. He must be exhausted taking care of his mother and the workshop where he works part time. So I end up falling asleep too.

Before Ryan, I only had one boyfriend. If I can call it a boyfriend. His name was Jacob and he was popular with the girls. I had a crush on him since elementary school, but I only noticed him after I turned fifteen, and I think it's because my body changed.

When you don't have much breasts or butts, you're invisible, even if you were naked. When my body started to change, becoming more developed, guys started to notice me and invite me to parties or go out. And it was at one of these parties that Jacob finally noticed me and everything happened. But, we weren't exclusive exactly. I liked him too much to want to be with someone else while he was still seeing other girls. I never charged, never complained, or demanded exclusivity, because I thought if I did that, he would stop looking for me. I ended up accepting everything, and then some, until things became unbearable. He wanted more and offered less. I gave a lot, he gave little. He didn't even get half of it in return. I don't even know if I received anything.

One day we went out for pizza, then went to his house. Jacob wanted sex, and he had made that clear since we got together the first time, and I asked him to be patient. I think that's why I let him go out with other girls, which I never complained about. But that day, we started kissing and things heated up between us. I thought I would make it, that it would be the day I would be completely his, but that wasn't what happened. However, Jacob was not satisfied, he began to force himself, in a way that left me terrified. I screamed, and he got angry, he started throwing in my face how long he waited for this moment, that any girl would feel lucky to sleep with him. All I could do was run out of there. We never spoke to each other again and started avoiding each other at school and at events. Since that episode, I've been afraid of getting close to anyone, or allowing anyone to get close. I thought that by keeping people away, I would be safe.