When you love me

Your past affects me

I wish I could tell Ryan that his mother only has two months left to live. Luckily. The same luck that failed them when the cancer returned. But, I promised I wouldn't tell, for Lauren. Just for her.

After spending a while crying, pouring out all his pain, which seemed to have been accumulated for a while, I convinced Ryan to leave, as we had planned earlier via text messages. Before, he was excited for the luau, now it seems like he doesn't even feel like leaving the place he's been in for almost two hours.

We got ready and went to meet our friends at the beach. Time and again someone asks about Lauren, and Ryan makes an effort to answer the questions. I signal to no one to ask any more questions, and convince them to change the subject. Lila notices my discomfort and concern and says something to Gavin, who then calls Ryan to the circle by the fire, while I go get drinks.

Lila appears next to me.

— He is fine? — she asks.

— Something visited Lauren, and he's been... down ever since.

— Doesn't he know yet?

I shake my head.

— My mother said that she has, hopefully, two months to live, but anything can happen in that time.

— That little?

— So it is.

— Well, forget about it for today, rest your mind. I still have hope that... something will change, you know. Everything is possible, isn't it? Miracles happen all the time, Jennie. It doesn't hurt to believe that she can improve and...

— No, Lila, you don't understand. Her case no longer allows for that hope.

Lila crosses her arms, we don't know what else to say or do. I think she understands that things are really complicated and delicate, which no longer gives us the right to hope.

I was about to say something, but we were interrupted by a voice clearing its throat behind me. Sarah.

— I didn't think you were close to the staff. — she insinuates.

— I'm not in the mood for your provocations, Sarah.

Sarah puts on one of her annoying smiles, bumps into me, and grabs a drink from the cooler.

— Until later. — She says, walking away and looking at me over her shoulder.

I look for Ryan with my eyes, and see him talking to Gavin and Trevor. Sarah goes to the opposite side of him, leaving me relieved.

— She's hopeless. — comments Lila, who observes everything.

— It has always been like that?

— No. She wasn't... like that, or she pretended she wasn't. I don't know anymore, because I don't know her, honestly. And I think Ryan feels the same way.

I try not to verbalize what I'm thinking, because it's distressing to see her so close to Ryan, knowing that they had a history long before me. I don't know exactly how Ryan feels, but I know he doesn't feel anything about anything. Or, he no longer feels the same way about her. But I'm still afraid that she will be able to change his mind.