When you love me

Did you know

Lauren was kept in the hospital for a few days. Ryan wanted answers, probed the doctors and they dodged her questions. My mother and I took turns seeing her or spending the night with her. We chose a photo for her frame, one I took recently, of everyone on the beach, smiling, because being together seemed enough for her. And I think that's what she wanted, to be with the people she loves most.

I'm sitting in a chair, reading a book that Lila gave me as a gift. Lauren is sleeping after an intense day of exams. My mother appears at the door, with a cup of coffee and hands it to me.

— Go home, I'll stay with her. - She says.

— I am fine. Thank you for the coffee.

— Where's Ryan?

— She left. She said she had to resolve something.

— Is he still tormenting the doctors?

— Tormenting? He wants to know what's going on with his mother, and we both can't tell him that his mother is going to die.

— Calm down, Jennie.

— I'm calm, but I can't bear to see Ryan like this, tormenting, without answers, afraid of the worst. It's time to tell Ryan.

— Tell what? — Ryan appears, and the shock I get is noticeable.

My mother and I looked at each other. It's now or never, and I don't think we can run away anymore.

— Tell what? — he repeats.

— Ryan, calm down. Sit down... — my mother asks.

— I don't want to sit down. I just want to know what's going on. What do you need to tell me?

My mother pauses, visibly not prepared to break the news, tell everything, and we know how much she will hurt him.

— Your mother didn't... want us to tell you. She made us promise.

Ryan stares at me. I feel a certain fear in his eyes.

— What didn't she want me to know?

— Honey, she... — my mother No sighs deeply, hesitating to continue. — There's nothing the doctors can do... Her cancer... has spread, and...

Ryan's eyes fill with tears, and terror appears on his face.

— What? What you mean? Are you saying she's going to die? No, that's not right? — he looks at me. — How long have you known about this? How long have you known, Jen?

I can't answer, and a tear, bitter and heavy, falls. I can't face him.

— I... wanted to tell you... but...

— How long have you known, Jen? — he insists.

— Two weeks ago...

Ryan's gaze changes. There is no smile, no understanding or any desire to understand. There is only anger, hurt and pain. And I can't do anything to stop him from suffering.

— You knew and you didn't... tell me... — Ryan murmurs, as if he wants to confirm.

He punches the door frame and leaves, disappearing down the hallway. He's too angry to stay there anymore, and I know he'll want to be alone, trying to digest all of this. I just don't know if he'll want to talk to me again. I feel like this is the end of my relationship, and there's nothing I can do right now. The priority is Lauren.

My mother sits next to me and cries. I feel her breathless, with difficulty breathing. I want to cry too, but I'm scared, I'm terrified, and I think for the first time since I arrived in Cannon Beach that I'm scared. Real fear, merciless fear, the one that invades our thoughts, taking over our emotions. We know what we could expect, but we are not prepared for it.