When you love me

Hourglass

We entered the room and found Lauren sleeping. My mom isn't with her, so I go looking for her, while Ryan stays by his mom's side. I go to the cafeteria and find my mother there, with a steaming cup of coffee in both hands together and looking stoic. She looks up and sees me, smiling briefly.

— You are here. Did you come with Ryan?

I shake my head.

— He's with Lauren.

My mother starts to cry. She cries with sobs, like a child who has been scolded by their parents or who has lost their favorite toy. I don't react, I just sit next to her and touch her back lightly, without having the slightest idea how I should comfort her.

— Why is she crying? Is it for Lauren? I ask her. — She'll get over it.

— It won't, Jennie... She won't. — She looks at me, with red, watery eyes. — I spoke to the doctors. What they can do is... extend her life a little longer. — She cries again.

— Like this?

— Her cancer has spread. Can't... do much else

— So... she's... just going to die?

My mother shakes her head and cries, profusely. I don't know what to say, and my heart feels heavy. Heavy for her, for Lauren and for Ryan.

— Does Ryan know?

— No, honey, he can't know. Lauren doesn't want him to know.

— He needs to know.

— How would that help, Jennie? It's Lauren's wish.

—That's not right, Mom. It will make him suffer more, and he will not forgive you.

She wipes the tears from her face with the back of her hand and looks at me.

— Honey, I need you not to tell him. And I still need you to help me.

—To help? As?

— Lauren wants to enjoy the last few days she has left, and she asked us to pretend she's not sick, something like that. In other words, she wants us to treat her as if she were healthy.

— What about chemotherapy? — I ask, ignoring his absurd request.

— You won't help her anymore, Jennie...

— This is so unfair.

— Yes, it's very unfair.

My mother is calmer and breathes deeply. She keeps looking at the floor and her own shoes, as if the bone will help her find some comfort.

— I need to tell you something, but don't tell Lauren. — I say. — Ryan doesn't want her to know.

— What it was?

— Ryan's father was arrested, he broke into their house and was caught red-handed.

She widens her eyes.

— Was Malcolm arrested?

I shake my head.

My mother looks shocked, she can't say anything for a while.

— Let's go, or Ryan will come looking for us. — She says, getting up from the table and breathing, as she fixes her brown hair and runs her fingers around her eyes.

I agree silently, shaking my head.

We found Ryan holding his mother's hand and talking to her. They both smile when they see us. We approach the bed and Ryan looks at me.

— Can we tell them? — he asks me.

The two look at us and look at each other suspiciously.

— Tell what? — Lauren questions.

 Ryan gets up and stands next to me, taking my hand.

— We are together. — Ryan says, smiling at me.

My mom and Lauren look shocked and confused.

— Are you two... dating? — Lauren tries to confirm.

— Yes, we are, mom.

Their expressions scare us. Ryan looks at me, every moment, as if he expects me to say something.

— This is... unexpected, but we already suspected that something was going on between you. — my mother finally says, going to Lauren's side.

— You two are weird. — says Ryan, eliciting childish laughter from Lauren and my mother.

— I'm happy for you. — it's my mother's turn to say, forcing a smile for us.

—Now go. It's a beautiful day outside, and there's a whole world to enjoy. Go date, kids. — Lauren asks.

— Are you kicking me out, mom? — Ryan jokes.

— I'm asking you to have fun. Hospital is not a place for you to date.

—But I intended to stay with you today, so Aunt Marie can rest.

Lauren looks at my mother, who returns the look of complicity. I feel guilty knowing what they share and hide from Ryan, and helpless at the same time.

- Can go. I want to stay with her a little longer. — my mother insists

— Are you sure you don't want to rest?

— Yes, Ryan. You don't need to worry about anything.

— What do you think? — Ryan asks me.

I look at my mother, then at Lauren. My heart is divided between reason, which occupies twenty percent, and emotion, which occupies eighty percent. But the path I had to follow was only one, the reason. The promise I made to my mother begins to weigh in the balance of my conscience.

— We can come back here later. — I suggest.

—Then that's right. We'll come back later. — Ryan decides, shaking my hand.

— Great decision. Have fun. — Lauren loses, showing a genuine smile, while my mother tries to do the same, but she is too tense for that.

We left the hospital. Ryan wanted to surf, that's how he clears his mind. And he really needed to relax, after a night of chaos, and us, and visiting his mother in the hospital, he really needed to glide on the waves, as if defying fate.

We went home, changed clothes and got our boards. Ryan compliments the board I bought and the new wetsuit, apologizing for not doing this sooner.

The beach is practically deserted. Just a few tourists strolling along the water's edge and taking photos, or locals walking their dogs and children. The sun is at its peak, perfect for the waves.

— I'll go ahead. — says Ryan, zipping up his wetsuit.

I nod my head in agreement.

I see Ryan entering the water. He stops for a few seconds, closing his eyes in complete meditation. I wonder if he prays before facing the waves, if he believes in something bigger than us. Or if he simply believes that life is like an hourglass, measured in fine, lethal grains of sand.