When you love me

In peace

Ryan left while I fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night and saw that he was no longer by my side. I was confused, but I didn't blame him, even though I hoped everything was okay. And I thought he was, after the aftermath of the hottest, most passionate kiss I've ever had in my life. It looks like I'll have to fight harder for Ryan, and I don't know if I like that.

I find my mom and Lauren in the kitchen. They both look at me, as if they knew something dark about me.

— Why are you looking at me like that? I ask.

— You and Ryan, upstairs... — my mother hisses.

— Oh, yeah... well, we were... getting along...

— And if they got it right? — Lauren asks, hiding a smile.

— I don't know, he's giving me trouble. — vent.

They both laugh, as if I had told the biggest joke in the world. And it wasn't a joke, it was serious.

— Honey, Ryan gives me a hard time all my life, get used to it. — Lauren says.

—And where is he?

— He left a few minutes ago. I think he went to meet someone.

I look at the clock on the wall, and it's already past 2 am. Who would Ryan see at this time? The doubt starts to bother me and I don't like not knowing what Ryan is doing. I think I'm becoming one of those girls obsessed with the guy, who no longer knows the limits of reason and madness. I start to question whether my feelings for him are healthy or if they are turning into something that could make me lose control.

The next day, I wake up with the sun shining on my face. I look out the window and see life in constant movement. I think about Ryan and look at my phone. No messages or calls. I sent him two messages before bed, and got no response. I start to think he's running away from me again.

I go down for breakfast and find everyone gathered outside, drinking coffee together and talking to each other. Ryan is too, much to my surprise. I realize he keeps confusing me.

— Why is everyone out here? — I question.

Across the area, I see my dad, Suzy, and Nick arriving, and I start cheering like crazy.

— What are you doing here? — I shout to my father, who runs to hug me.

— Aren't you happy to see us? — my father questions, squeezing me in his arms that seem thinner.

— We invited them. — answers my mother, with a suspicious smile.

—Happy belated birthday, darling. — my father says.

— Dad... I'm happy to see you.

My dad, Suzy, and Nick settle in at the table, joining us for coffee. Ryan watches us, and only introduces himself as Lauren's son, not my boyfriend like I expected, which disappoints me a little and makes my mom and Lauren look at me. Maybe to see my reaction.

I head to the balcony, which overlooks the sea, with my cup of mint tea, which my mother convinced me would be good for my sun-dried skin. My father appears right behind me, with timid steps.

— I'm shocked you're here. Is this really happening? I ask, although I'm more thinking about something.

— Your mother wanted us all to meet, I thought it was a good idea, but I confess I was hesitant.

— Why?

— You know, your mother and I have faced... a lot, and it's taken a toll on you.

— I... I heard you were going to have a baby, but don't tell Mom that I know. Lauren told me.

— I tried to tell you, a few times, you know. But, you always thought it wasn't the right time, and you didn't want to know anything anymore. It ended up being like this...

— It's okay, dad. If there's anyone here who's to blame for something, it's me.

— How are you, dear? It was your birthday yesterday, but it's still valid. I heard they did something for you, and it looks like...

— I freaked out, but everything went well afterwards. I guess now I'm going to have to get used to birthdays...

— Yes, you will, dear. It's good to recover certain things in life that are still ours.

— Yes, I think so.

— And... this Ryan...

— Oh no, did mom tell you?

— There was no need. I saw how you look at each other, and I saw how he looks at you. Should I be worried?

— It's strange for me to talk about boys with you, dad. And no, I don't think you need to worry. Ryan is complicated, confusing and intense. He takes a lot of work.

My father laughs.

"He's just going through a lot, honey. Give him some time.

— What if... this time means we won't be together?

— Do you like him?

— Are we really talking about boys? — it seems unbelievable, but yes, we are talking about boys.

— If you like him, wait. It's like the saying goes, if it's yours, it comes back. If it's not, it flies away and was never yours.

— I like him. I really like.

—Then be patient, dear. Time is wiser at these times.

— He's just not wise with Lauren...

My father swallows hard and pulls me close to him, for a half hug with his arm around my shoulder. We stood there, looking at the sea, thoughtful, because words could be like little pocket knives falling from the sky, it was better not to say anything else. Time is not being wise at the moment.

Later, we all stayed at the beach. I take photos, my mother, Lauren and Suzy stay in a makeshift tent with sheets and beach chairs. Nick and Sophie, who begin to say that they are brothers at heart, play in the sand under the shade of their sheets, although they have at least 2 centimeters of sunscreen on their skin. Ryan, my dad, and Adam chat among themselves over beers by the water. I immortalize this whole moment in a few clicks, because it seems to be one of those perfect moments that only happen once in a lifetime.

Lauren died this afternoon. She left life peacefully, as she wanted and desired so much. She left us in complete peace, but our hearts were heavy and anguished. It was how she wanted it, but no one was prepared for it. Nobody wanted to lose her.