It's Okay to Not be Okay
Andy was frozen when Vic and Travis walked away after the CISD.
"Captain, you okay?" Ben asked when he saw Andy just standing there.
Andy was shaken out of her thoughts by his question. "I'm fine," Andy said, a small smile on her face, trying to reassure her team. "I called Ross and she said that 'B' shift is going to come in to relieve us. I think all of you need a breather after this call and I just want all of you to process this and not bottle it up and I know some of you would do that if we kept working the rest of the shift."
"What about you?" Robert asked.
"What about me?" Andy asked, eyebrow raised.
"Nevermind," Robert said, not wanting to push and Andy's heart sank. She knew he didn't push back because she was captain now.
"I'll fold up the chairs. Beckett, Sullivan and Cutler bring the rigs and aid car in." Andy ordered. Everyone got up and Andy started to fold the chairs, Maya helped, and they worked to put them away in silence.
"Can we leave now, or do we need to wait?" Maya asked as they put the last chair in storage.
"Dispatch was told not to give us any calls until someone from 'B' shift comes in and lets them know 19 is ready to go on calls, so you're good to leave now," Andy told Maya.
"You sure you're okay, Andy?" Maya asked, concerned for her friend, knowing that some bad calls hit her harder than others.
Andy just nodded and walked away, not saying a word. Andy walked into her office and closed the door. locked it and went into the bunk room to get changed. She paused. I really don't want to be alone right now. Andy thought. She shook her head and changed into some workout clothes. She needed to hit something. She needed to get all this anger and the feeling of being helpless out, but she wanted to wait until her team was gone.
Until she was sure everyone from 'A' shift was gone she decided to work on the scheduling for next month. Once she was finished with that she figured it was safe to go up to the gym because it's been two hours since she told her team to leave, and she knew that her team never took more than half an hour to leave after a hard shift.
She assumed right because everyone was gone, and it was just a bunch of random 'B' shift guys around the house. Andy got her boxing gloves on and started hitting the punching bag.
Over and over and over and over and over again. Sweat was dripping from her face when someone knocked on the gym door.
"Herrera, what are you still doing here?" Finch asked, walking further into the room. "You okay?"
"Yeah, just needed to let off some steam," Andy told him. "Didn't get a workout in today so I wanted to before I went home," Andy explained as she was taking off her gloves. "Have a good shift," Andy said, passing by him and walking to her office. She grabbed her duffle bag after getting changed into her regular clothes and then decided to go to Joe's.
Andy sighed when she got there and parked. Since Jeremy had attacked her she had tried to avoid coming here but right now she just wanted to drink, and this was the closest bar to the station.
"Hey, Herrera. What can I get you?" Mark asked.
Andy paused, she was used to only drinking beers, wine and the occasional shot. After a few seconds, she answered. "Whiskey, please." Mark nodded and went to get her a glass. After a minute the drink was in front of her. Andy paused. She had a rule as of late to not let her emotions dictate her want to drink.
You should've saved him. You should've let Vic on the call despite the rules. Travis was right, Vic probably could've convinced him to come out of his tent. I fucking suck as captain. Andy thought bitterly.
She picked up the glass and chugged it. She waved to Mark and ordered another one. And then another. And then another. When she ordered her fifth one, Mark decided to cut her off. Andy nodded, not wanting to get into any fights tonight. She finished her drink and turned to leave when she pulled out her car keys. She looked back at Mark and tossed her keys to him. Even intoxicated she knew better than to drive drunk.
Andy walked back to the station and just sat on the stairs nearby. She felt tears welling up in her eyes, but she let out a breath and willed them back. She sighed again when she realized she needed to get home. It was late and she already knew she would be regretting this. So, Andy pulled out her phone, dialed a cab, waited, and gave the driver, what she thought to be her address at the time, which turned out to be Maya's address. When she got out of the cab she realized she gave the wrong address and before she could get back in the cab, it had already driven off. Andy sighed, walked up to the door and knocked. A thought crossed her mind and she pulled out her phone.
1:34 am
Shit. Andy thought. Just as she was about to turn and leave the door opened, revealing a yawning Carina.
"Andy? What are you doing here?" Carina asked, confused and she tried to rub the sleep from her eyes.
"Nothing. I'm- I'm sorry. I- I didn't realize it was so late." Andy turned to walk away from Carina, but she quickly grabbed Andy's shoulder gently.
"Andy, come in." Carina moved out of the way so Andy could step in. Andy hesitated. "Andy, please come in."
"Car? Who's at the door this late?" Maya asked, hair messy and a tired expression on her face. When Andy saw her the dam broke and tears started falling down her cheeks, no longer able to hold it in. Andy went to walk into the house but stumbled. Maya and Carina looked at each other, both able to tell that Andy was drunk right now. They both held concerned expressions on their faces. Andy never got drunk.
Once Andy was in the house Carina closed the door and locked it.
"Carina, why don't you go back to bed? I can handle this." Maya told her and Carina looked from Andy to Maya and figured that Maya would be able to help Andy more than she could so Carina nodded, kissed Maya and then turned around to go back to their room.
Maya turned back to look at Andy. Her heart broke at how broken her friend looked right now. She guided Andy to the living room and sat her down on the couch.
"Andy," Maya started and waited for Andy to look up at her. "What's going on?"
Tears continued to fall from Andy's eyes and when Andy let out a sob, Maya pulled her into her arms and just held her. Maya knew something was going on with her friend. She should've pushed Andy to talk when they were at the station, but she didn't feel like getting yelled at on top of having to deal with what happened to Morris.
"You've never drank when you've felt down after a call before," Maya said, and Andy nodded. She knew she never did. "So, what caused this?" Maya asked, tucking a loose piece of hair behind Andy's ear when they pulled apart.
"I'm the captain. I should've done better on the call. Morris dying was because I..."
Maya cut Andy off. "Andy... First of all, it wasn't anyone's fault. Morris was being stubborn by running back into his tent. We all feel bad that we couldn't help him more. And second, It's okay to not be okay. You don't have to put up a strong front just because you're captain now. You're human. You're allowed to break down and have someone there for you." Maya felt Andy nod. "I'm here, I'm here. You're going to be okay and get through this, Andy."
Andy looked up and nodded and Maya pulled Andy back into her arms. "It's going to be okay. You'll be okay."
