Butterfly's Year

45. Big comeback

I woke up with damp eyes in the vast bed, completely alone. For a moment, I felt as if I had gone back a few years and had no idea what to do with myself again. It took me a moment to recognize the bed and the bedroom, and then it hit me that it was already morning and Viktor hadn't returned. Just to be sure, wrapped in a blanket, I checked the guest bedroom, his study, and the living room to see if he had fallen asleep on any of the couches, but there was no sign of him anywhere.

A deep sadness and overwhelming weakness washed over me. I sank to the floor, and the first tears began to gather in my eyes, but before they could flow freely, my phone rang.

I thought it might be Vik, so I reached for the smartphone, which I had left in the living room yesterday, but it was just Alek calling. I immediately pushed the phone away in disgust. I didn't want to talk to him. I couldn't blame him for Viktor's outburst yesterday, but I felt an inexplicable resentment that he had to have that unfortunate conversation with me at that very moment. And that I ever seduced him just to settle scores with that piano jerk.

I sighed heavily and curled up on the floor again. Everything I had ever done seemed pointless from my current perspective. I hadn't fixed the world. Not even my own. Everything kept falling apart over and over again. And the past wouldn't let go, always haunting me. Barely had I built something when my cursed baggage of experiences would catch up with me and undermine the seemingly stable foundations.

I felt so weak and pathetic in everything that had happened before and now. So out of place, always disconnected, maladjusted. I couldn't even be happy about the proposal after good sex. I was so tired of myself. I wanted so badly to swap lives with some normal girl who saw a penis for the first time during a sleepover under a tent, and whose parents had – the talk– with her using a banana to demonstrate how to put on a condom. I wanted so much for my teenage problems to revolve around hiding my drunken state from my parents after a class bonfire.

The phone stopped ringing, but only for a moment. Not even a minute passed before the ringing started again. I tried to ignore it, but it drilled into my brain persistently, so I finally answered the call.

– Paulina? – Alek's concerned voice came from the other end. – Did I wake you?

– No – I mumbled, wiping the moisture from my eyes with my forearm. – I wasn't sleeping anymore. Did something happen? Why are you calling?

– Is he home? – he asked. – With you?

– No – I replied, assuming he was asking about Viktor, because who else. – He went out last night and hasn't come back yet.

– I thought... – he began hesitantly – that Viktor... that maybe the attack unsettled him.

The little creature living inside me lifted its head cautiously, previously buried between its knees out of despair.

– What attack? – I asked carefully.

There was a moment of silence on the other end, and then Alek's concerned voice returned.

– Someone shot at him yesterday afternoon – he said cautiously – but they missed – he quickly added. – They hit the window next to him.

The second part of the statement was meant to be reassuring, but my heart had already begun to race in my chest. It slowly calmed down, but a multitude of the darkest thoughts rushed through my mind, including the image of myself in mourning at my love's funeral.

– He didn't tell me anything... – I whispered, horrified by the fact that my boyfriend, who was now God knows where, could have lost his life yesterday and never come back to me.

– He asked not to tell you – Alek explained – but since I'm no longer working for him, I thought you should know. You deserve peace and happiness. I thought you had a chance for that by his side, but now I'm not sure. – He paused, then continued in a very serious tone. – I see that you love him, so just be careful and take care of yourself and him. Keep your eyes open, because if someone tried to shoot him and failed, they might try again. You deserve peace.

I nodded in silence. Only after a moment did I realize Alek couldn't see me, so I muttered a – mm-hmm– into the phone, then jumped at the sound of the lock clicking in the front door. I jumped to my feet. Apparently, Viktor had finally decided to come home.

– I have to go – I said, feeling something cold slide through my intestines. – Thanks for the time together. Maybe we'll see each other at Mirabel's soon.

– Maybe – Alek murmured, a nostalgic note in his voice. – Maybe I'll go back to her. Or maybe I'll finally move on – he added after a moment's thought. – You don't need protection at the club anymore, and Viktor is in your life, so there's someone to take care of you. I think. Just be careful and let him hire someone else to protect you. And he should have someone too. I wish you a lot of happiness. You deserve it more than anyone else. You're worth it.

He hung up, and I reluctantly put the phone down on the coffee table and straightened up just as Viktor walked into the living room. He seemed surprised to see me there. Maybe he assumed I'd still be asleep or had gone out as well. In any case, his chocolate eyes widened like saucers, and he hunched his shoulders and lowered his head as if bracing for a heavy blow. He dropped his gaze and stood there, waiting passively, like a condemned man awaiting the executioner's deadly blow, and I had no idea what to do with it.

A quiet voice inside me whispered that I had every right to make the scene of the century, but a larger part of me was still completely shattered, and seeing my love didn't help. So, I remained silent, staring at him with eyes as big as saucers, clueless about what to do next. I felt very small and very vulnerable.

Viktor hesitantly looked up, and I immediately averted my gaze. Too much contact with his chocolate eyes made me want to cry, and my muscles dangerously weakened. I knew we needed to talk, but I didn't have the strength to start the conversation. I was a little heap of misery at his mercy. I felt as though he could blow me away into tiny particles with one puff.