Promise Me | Book Three

Chapter Thirty-Six

Mikasa's POV

I could barely sleep. The nerves were firing too much for my brain and body to rest.
Every time I checked the clock across the room, only an hour has passed and during the moment I did manage to sleep, all I saw were repeats of the night before.

As of right now, the clock reads 06:18.

Nine, eight... Four.

I didn't expect to remember it, but I have. I repeated it in my head nonstop until I fell into unconsciousness.

Nine, eight, four. I glance to the door.
I glance to Eren, who remains asleep beside me.

My heart skips as I recollect.

I push my hand underneath the pillow, only not to feel the shard I'd placed there. My pulse increases. I stretch out my fingers, moving my hand down the side of the mattress for the feeling of a jagged edge cutting my skin bringing me relief.

It had shuffled down, but not too far.

... I could do it now.
I could.

Although, I feel shame. Shame at the lack of guilt I feel for considering ending the life of somebody. Despite the abuse, I should feel something, correct? Would Mikasa have felt something?
There is little way to know.
And I do not feel anything.

After the events of last night, I feel a part of me has been lost. Muted, at the very least. It was part of my plan, yet but I cannot help but wish there was another route I could have taken.

I presume these feelings will progress into something else, but I cannot afford to dwell on emotions; survival is all I must keep in mind.

My fingers start gravitating back to the side of the mattress... I could do it now.

But, I need the first number of the code.
Eren doesn't awaken for another few hours, is my prediction, so more hours sleep would be beneficial, but I am wide awake and my heart is full of anxious flames.

* * *

07:55.

Nine, eight, four.

An hour has passed since I last looked. Just like before. The repetition of this has become nightmarish and perhaps things can be escalated a long.

I turn to my side to face the being with whom I share a bed, placing my arm across his chest, gliding my hand across his chest, which is bristled with sharp hairs from new growth after shaving. I press my chin into his shoulder gently and breathe into his ear.

The same hand encroaches his throat as he rouses awake with a low timbre groan. Turning towards me, he squints.

"Who were you last night and is she still with us?" He asks with a grin.

I can't bring myself to fake an expression. I cannot bring myself to play along like I once had. Why do I feel... Stuck?

I tilt my head as a compromise. "After you come back from work, I suppose that is something we can explore once again."
I let out a long breath once the words leave me. It was a weight.

Eren chuckles and turns over to weaves his arms under mine and around my figure, and easily so with my meagre frame.
In another world, this would feel nice, but all I can acknowledge is nausea.

"I could just not work today, you know..." He whispers, planting kisses on my cheeks. I feel my brows begin to tense on automation.

This feels unusual for me.