"i can't explain my feelings ashton. i just do it to do it. i don't even really think." i spoke softly as i brought my knees to my chest to try and hide the marks.
"when did this start?" ashton asked switching the topic.
"after we quit therapy. i couldn't stop myself. i needed a way out, and this became my way out." i replied.
"you understand when i say that this isn't healthy right?" ashton spoke softly.
suddenly, calum came walking in with a grim expression.
"hey pretty girl, i just need to look to make sure there's no infection." calum spoke slowly as he sat on the other side of the bed.
i felt my chest tighten. i had never felt this vulnerable before.
"no." i replied softly.
"it isn't exactly an option. an infection that goes rogue can cause serious harm." calum explained as he snapped gloves on.
"no." i whispered.
"why? i promise i'm not going to judge you pretty girl. i pinky promise. with your heart, we can't afford you to go into shock from an infection." calum spoke quickly.
"why not just let me die? that's the whole point of any of this. i'm never going to get a heart. dad needs to let me go." i spoke quickly.
that last line made tears come into my eyes.
dad needed to let me go, but i wasn't even close to ready to let him go.
"no, don't talk like that. what's going on princess. why the bad thoughts? i thought you were doing better." ashton spoke softly.
"maybe i never was and was just pretending." i shrugged as i started to try and stand up from the bed.
calum lightly grabbed my wrist stopping me in my place.
"i need you to let me see bailey." he spoke calmly.
"no. i'll check them. just tell me what to look for." i argued back as i pulled my arm away.
"please stop fighting me. if i have to have someone hold you down i will." calum threatened.
i could tell he truly meant it this time.
"can dad do it? i don't want anyone else to see. please? i'm so embarrassed and mad at myself that i got caught." i spoke with a quiver to my voice.
"i-i can ask, but this is very hard on him bailey." calum spoke softly as he left the room leaving ashton and i.
we sat there silently until ashton spoke up, "i wish you would have talked to us before starting."
"i didn't feel like i needed too. i wasn't planning on doing this long term, but then i sort of did." i spoke softly.
"it's like a drug bailey. self harm is a drug, there literally is no difference other than your form isn't injecting or smoking." ashton spoke simply.
dad walked in with red eyes.
i made him cry.
"i can do it ash. you're good to step out." dad spoke softly as he sat down on the bed.
"legs out and shorts up." dad spoke again.
i nodded and pushed my legs out before pulling my shorts up slowly.
i watched dad's face expression change and tears enter his eyes again.
"oh my gosh. i'm such bad dad. i'm so so so so sorry princess. you're so beautiful, why?" dad cried as he looked down at the burns that littered my legs.
"please just make sure they aren't infected then leave me be." i spoke coldly.
dad nodded slowly before checking them out.
"no infection. keep them clean. please let calum dress them up. i don't know how." dad whispered as he stood up and walked out of the room.
i broke his heart, yet again, he needed to let me go.
YOU ARE READING
Transplant//5sos
Fanfiction"dad, maybe i don't want to fight this much longer." "please don't give up on this. don't give up on me."
