Silently in love - Sanegiyuu

12 / Under his sleeve

TW: this chapter mentions sh, mental health issues and death, suicide etc.

GIYUU POV

The following night I laid in bed, alone. I did my duties for the Master as usual today, and nothing else happened apart from Shinazugawa and Kocho being in my estate this morning. Muichiro told me Shinazugawa got suspended for a couple days for fighting with me. It made me angry, It was more of a treat than a punishment, and I was the one being beaten by him .....

I felt lonely. Tanjiro was out on a mission now..... Muichiro only talked with me a little bit today. And Shinazugawa- I mean Kanroji was also out on a mission. None other hashiras were really my friends, although I wished they were. Especially Shinazug- especially Obanai. He always made fun of me. But I learnt to lip read his lips under his mask because I thought we would be friends and get along. It was hard to understand him at first because I could only get his jaw moving but he always threw the same insults at me that I just guessed them.

"Weirdo."
"Different."
"Water Freak."
"Thinks he's better than everyone else?"
"He shouldn't be a hashira with us."

I wanted us to be friends..... But he was right. I was different. I was a weirdo and I shouldn't be a hashira. Maybe if Sabito hadn't died that day, He would be the proper Water Hashira. I bet he'd be able to be friends with everyone...

Sabito was the first to know about my deafness, but he never treated me differently. He was the one to help me practice my lip reading, and try to learn sign language although he had no clue on what he was doing with his hands. It was funny to watch him try. But I never spoke to him a lot, probably why my voice is so bad now. But I remember laughing with him , sharing meals together with Urokodaki and training together. I miss him.

But I can't bring him back. I can't bring any of them back. Nee-san and Sabito who I loved dearly. And I can't bring my hearing back. I can't hear Nee-san's sweet voice for the last time. I forgot what it sounded like exactly, but I remember her always calling out my name.

How could I fucking forget that? I'm so bad... I'll never forgive myself for forgetting. And not protecting the ones I loved.

It would have been better if I died instead of them...Thinking about them caused me so much pain. The pain doesn't go away! It never does.....

unless...

SANEMI POV:
The next morning I was like "I'm just going to keep trying to apologise to Giyuu and forget about how embarrassing yesterday was.!" But 2 seconds into this mindset I couldn't keep it together. I just feel too embarrassed that he told me to shew away more than once... Will he ever forgive me ? Can I blame him? How could I show I was truly sorry..???

You know what, I was off duty and had nothing to do so I might as well try again right? I got ready to go to his estate, I threw on a comfy kimono that was blue which reminded me of him... no no that's weird don't say that !!!

But if I was quick I would be able to catch him before he went to the Hashira Meeting... I ran to his estate quickly and knocked on the door. I know he wouldn't hear it but it was habbit. But then - shit i didn't even think about what Iwas going to say! But then Giyuu opened his door , not dressed in Demon slayer Uniform at all, but he was still wearing his  haori that he never seemed to wash..... He then noticed me and jumped at the sight of me. Now is my chance... Don't mess this up Sanemi....

"Can, we talk?.." I started off. He just looked at me. Right then.....

"I don't hav time." He said, but he didn't seem angry at me, he seemed like he was crying.. no, his eyes were completely red like they were sore. He must have been rubbing them.. And he wasn't telling me to get out angrily, he was speaking in a soft voice. Something was up. He was about to turn around but I pulled his shoulder and looked at him straight.

"Are... you good?" I said. I don't fucking know why, but it just happened. "Not like it's my business, i mean , but you look bad."
----fuck fuck he isn't gonna say anything to me , he doesn't trust me!

He just looked at me like he had seen a ghost, pale and shocked. He then spoke "Go away." I knew it wasn't long before he'd try to kick me out.

"Please Giyuu, i am still really sorry, and i'm worried, you look sick-"

He turned around before I finished. I knew he wouldn't hear me like that. Think think, what do I do? What do I say? Quick, he's walking away...

I have to do something.

"WAIT!" I shouted and I grabbed his arm without thinking and pulled him back, But something unexpected happened. He turned around and yelped in pain at his wrist I had pulled. Fuck maybe I pulled it too hard, he wasn't going to listen to me now....

\ But, I don't think that was me. I didn't grip him tight. He also looked in a bad state. I realised I was still holding his wrist, and he was still flinching in pain.
Could it be?

I lifted up his sleeve and Saw loads of SH scars that some were still bleeding. Giyuu looked lost for words.

I've really fucked up now.