"What the hell are you doing here?" I say to my father who is still standing in the doorway of my hospital room.
"I couldn't bear to see my own daughter out there on a world class stage, crashing and not knowing if she was ok." He says with a little more sass than I would have liked from him.
"I'm just... I'm so confused, and I'm so angry at you right now. Why do you just suddenly care?"
"Lacy I've always cared." He says as he shuts the door behind him and walks over to me.
"I called and I tried to text you, gosh Lacy I even came up to Montreal just in case I'd be able to see you."
My heartached in this very moment, "where was this when I was a kid? Why are you all of a sudden seeming like you care and that I'm the bad guy for not responding to your texts? Do you know how hard it's been to do all of this alone? To have no one to call after each race?" I say as I choke back tears.
"What about Dan? You love that guy." Geez he's missed a few chapters.
"I'm not with him anymore because turns out he's the same kind of person as you; an ass."
Before I give him the chance to speak I decide to continue myself.
"I didn't answer any of your calls or texts because it just seemed odd that you would all of a sudden start caring once I had actually made it to F1. And yes I put a paddock restriction on you because I knew your crazy ass would try to ruin all of this for me."
"Lacy that's not fair for you to say I was only trying to be better-"
"Not fair?! What's not fair is the fact that you never even cared about me any other time than when I was on that track winning trophies. It's not my fault your stupid band fell apart and your relationship with mom is gone. It's not my fault that all of your money went down the drain with your stupid gambling problems. And it's not my fault that you and mom didn't want anything to do with me, that was your choice.
That was your choice to have me as your little secret child that no one would ever be able to know about. To this day I don't really know why you were so ashamed of me that I wasn't even allowed to be seen with you in public. And it also isn't my fault that at the grown age of twenty-two I don't even have a proper relationship with my own damn father." I pause to take a breath.
It's almost as if I'm trying to convince myself that all of these situations aren't my fault because for my whole life I have truly believed that they were.
My dad's head hangs low and then he looks up at me through slight tears.
"I never meant to hurt my little girl." He says as his voice cracks.
I've never actually seen my father cry before and let me tell you in this moment, it really hurt.
I couldn't keep all of my tears in, my body heaves with my tears.
Just this morning I wanted to see my dad but without all of his bullshit that is associated with him.
And now that he's here I'm just reminded of everything.
"I just wanted to be a good father for my baby girl. Lacy you're right. When you were born my whole life was changed. But I thought in a good way.
Your mother and I just weren't on the same page. She didn't even want to hold you once you were born. That just broke my heart. I mean you were this little literal bundle of joy.
I always wanted to be a dad. I wanted to be able to get up in the morning and play outside with my family and make pancakes for my daughter or son in the shape of a smiley face.
I wanted to watch my kids at their high school graduation and be beyond proud of them.
I wanted to walk my daughter down the aisle. And I wanted to most of all be there for my kids. But I failed you Lacy."
Every once in a while I'm teleported back to the fact that my parents once had dreams.
I just never knew that these were the dreams of my father, and now he will never be able to live them out.
"I just came here because I wanted to check on my little girl. I don't expect you to forgive me but I just wanted you to know that I tried my hardest and I get it, I was not a good dad to you Lacy I know. But I miss you and our time together. When I used to try and put pigtails in your hair but they would always lop to one side. Or when you would beg me to play dolls with you."
I give a slight laugh as I sniff back my tears.
"I miss it too dad... and if I'm being honest with you this entire race weekend has been really hard being back here without you. The entire race today I just kept thinking about you. And everything just became overwhelming between the pressure of the politics that's been going on behind the scenes, and the reminders of you along with my childhood... I crashed. Literally."
My dad runs his hands into his long semi slicked back hair.
"I'm so sorry sweetheart, for all of it." He says in a whispered tone.
"I don't expect you to forgive me, I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry.
Do you know that I've been watching every single one of your races since you left home?"
I slightly shook my head.
"Yep... I mean from your first steps Lacy to your first time in a little go-kart I wanted to give you the best of everything in life. I wanted to be the father that I never had. But I couldn't do that for you. And I lay awake at night haunted by my actions. Although it's through a tv screen Lacy I am still your father and I'm able to see the ache in your eyes. You hide it very well but I know you better than that."
He takes a deep breath in and then more tears spill out of his eyes.
"If I could go back and change it all for you, I would. I would figure out time travel for you. Actually one drunken summer night I tried to. But that's besides the point."
He pauses for a moment and then in a semi quiet voice he's able to croak out, "Lacy I would do anything to make my little girl happy and if that means me staying away from you, I'll do that." He says as a tear streams down his cheek and gets caught in the stubble of his face.
I couldn't even look at him I was crying too hard.
"I just want my dad back. But I don't know if that'll ever happen. You've hurt me too many times."
Him and I then both make direct eye contact and I think we both realize how hurt we truly feel.
"I don't expect forgiveness Lacy I just want you to know that I'm here ok?"
I give a slight smile and I respond with a little ok.
He gives me a kiss on the forehead and wipes his tears from his eyes.
"I know you're not with Dan anymore and I hate the fact that he didn't treat you well but please tell me there's someone looking out for my baby girl?"
I know Hayden is my boyfriend right now but if I'm being honest, the guy that is looking out for me the most is my curly haired teammate.
All of the late nights him and I have spent together and the stories that we've shared.
"I do yea." I say as my crying subsides.
My dad reaches for the door of my hospital room and he looks out the door window, "I have a feeling I know who that might be."
"Call me if you need anything. I'll be there for you Lacy."
"Thanks dad." I say as he disappears from my room.
The door doesn't even have enough time to close all the way before I see Liam bursting inside.
"Holy shit what the hell is going on today." He says as he leans down beside my bed.
"Where's Lando I thought he was with you?" I say trying to look outside the room.
"He's coming Lacy don't worry. He's been patiently pacing the floor while he waited for your dad to leave."
YOU ARE READING
Lacy, Oh Lacy
Fanfiction"I care I care I care. Like the CURLS IN YOUR HAIR, my stomachs all in knots" Lacy had always felt like she was racing against the world ever since she was a child. Despite her past still haunting her, Lacy earned a seat as the first female F1 drive...
