Left Alone To Cry.

Chapter 19: Let me die

WARNING: This chapter contains a little bit of violence, blood and bad language. TRIGGERING.

 

NIALL'S POV

My heavy eyelids open slowly. There's a huge pounding in my head. I don't really realize where I am the first time.

I lift up my head a bit and I feel something sticky, liquid and moist peel off of my face. 

I look around me and I realize what is that strange mixture stuck to my face. It's my own blood.

I'm on the kitchen floor. It's the second time I wake up on the floor this week, what's going on?

And why is my red and metallic blood spread all over the floor? 

But it's when I sight at my wrist that the memories of yesterday morning flow my mind.

What? I slept all day long, there, lying in my own blood? Or was I just unconscious, kind of agonising? 

I think it's the best theory. 

I lost control of myself. Literally. I think my depression took reason on me. I'm really becoming one of these psychos. 

I can see the bloody knife, resting beside my wrist. The four wounds are widely opened, but they're not bleeding anymore. They're just burning like hell. 

It hurts so much, in fact. I can't believe I harmed myself... this deep... 

But I don't really regret it. I kind of felt good after it, because I wanted to die so much, maybe I thought it would kill me faster...

I hardly pull myself off the floor and rub the back of my neck. I silently walk in the rooms, staring at the mess I did. It looks like a crime scene where a big fight happened. 

In fact, it's not so far from reality. I remember the pain that got me yesterday, it felt like a murderer was backstabbing me a million times. And the big fight, well it was me fighting to try not to hurt, to chase it away. Fighting against myself.

But seriously, I wonder why I didn't die. I wanted it so bad, and I still want to.

There's no one else with me now. 

Nobody's here to find me anymore, they all hate me.

What's the point of living if every single parcel of your soul is being rejected and unloved..?

I don't know. I really, REALLY want to die.

I guess now I know how deep depression feels like... you're drowning but you see everyone else breathing.

It's sad to see how such a correct being can fall hard. I was correct, I've never been disrespectful to anyone, I've always been fair and I lived a life giving to others... Why is all of this happening to me? TO ME?!