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23.10.02 FUCK JEALOUSY

JK POV:

I had practice this morning. Now I have the afternoon off, but have to go back to the office later for the listening party at 7pm. I was excited to come home and spend time with Y/N. When I got there, Y/N was in a meeting again. I sat in the office for a little petting Bam and just watched her do her thing. She's so beautiful. I love watching her in her element. I laughed thinking how she seems so professional at work and then the second she's not in work mode, she reverts back to a child almost. I love how playful she is. She's older than me, but I've always felt older than her because her personality is young. 

Don't get the wrong idea when I use words like young or child to describe Y/N. She more mature than anyone I know. She's been through a lot and has had to overcome more hardships than a normal person her age has had to. When I say young, I am speaking in reference to her attitude towards life and how she carries herself. She's always playful and likes to keep things light. She's open minded and you never feel judged. She has this innocence to her and it amplifies even more because she's naturally curious about everything. She likes to absorb all the knowledge she can. Whenever she comes across something new, she is genuinely excited about it and asks a lot of questions. She tries to understand things and relate them to her life. There's really so much to admire about her.

I've never been more impressed by someone. The only person who barely comes close to her is Namjoon. I feel like they would get along well. I can't wait for her to finally meet him. I'm sure the rest of the members will love her and approve of her. I mean who wouldn't? My thoughts got interrupted once I heard that guy flirting with her again. Y/N doesn't seem to notice it or maybe she does and isn't acknowledging his advances. Either way, it's pissing me the fuck off. Who is this guy? Does she have to have direct contact with him? She seemed a little uncomfortable, but I can't really tell. She's good at hiding her emotions. 

The guy made a joke and Y/N laughed. It was a small quiet laugh, but it was loud enough to piss me off. Why is she laughing at another man's jokes? Not just another man, a man that's blatantly flirting with her. I know I am being ridiculous, but I'm furious. I've never been mad at Y/N before. This is weird. I can't deal with this right now. I just wanted to come home and spend time with her. I walked out of the room and decided to shower. I need quiet time to think this through. 

I heard Y/N calling out my name. I didn't want to talk to her. I heard her footsteps coming closer and then she opened the shower door. She smiled at me and I just looked at her. She asked if she could join me and I told her I was about to be done. She pouted and asked if I was hungry. She said she was gonna make some french toast and asked if I wanted to eat some with her. I quickly told her no and then grabbed the door and shut it. She stood there for a few seconds probably confused why I was acting this way, then she finally walked away. 

I wanted to punch the wall. I don't know why I am being mean to her. I know it's not her fault if some guy finds her attractive. Other than the laugh, I know she was ignoring him. I know how much she loves me. I just can't help it. I get lost in my jealousy sometimes. It's hard for me to control. This is why I've always tried to avoid being in a relationship. I don't like who I become when I get jealous. I can't be like this to her. She doesn't deserve it. I just wish she didn't have to work on this project with this guy. It felt terrible being mean to her right now. I kept thinking of how beautiful her smile was and then how it slowly turned into a confused pout. I never want to be the reason Y/N is sad. I have to push these jealous thoughts away. I can do it for her. I can be strong and mature for her. 

I dried off and got dressed. I walked out and I found her lost in her thoughts in the kitchen. She was just staring at the ground eating a piece of toast with butter on it. She looked so sad. My heart dropped. This is because of me. This is because of how I acted. I took a second to save this sight in my memory so that I'll always remember why I shouldn't act this way to her. I started walking over to her and she looked up at me. Her face didn't change. Her eyes still looked as if she was holding back a river of tears. She looked back down and finished the last bite of her bread. 

I asked her why she didn't make herself french toast and she quietly said, "because I was only making to eat with you but you didn't want any so I just had bread." She didn't look up at me once. It was so awkward. I wonder if she knows why I acted like that. I was about to grab her and say sorry, but a ringing sound came from the office. She snapped out of her thoughts and yelled out, "Oh fuck, I forgot...." and ran past me into the office mumbling to herself. I heard her pick up the call and it was Yoona and that same guy. I rolled my eyes and went to go sit on the couch with Bam. 

I sat there and waited for her. I could hear their conversation. Y/N was just talking work, but that guy kept trying to make jokes and get her attention. Yoona sounded annoyed like I was. My anger was building up so I put on my headphones and ended up falling asleep listening to music. 

I woke up to my alarm at 6:20pm. I turned my alarm off and put my phone down. I saw Y/N laying on the top of the back of the couch passed out. Her arm was down. I think she fell asleep holding my hand. Why was she laying up there and not next to me? Then I remembered she probably thinks I am mad at her. I feel horrible. "Shit! Wait! it's 6:20?" I whispered to myself. I got up and rushed to my closet to change. I have to be back at the office by 6:40pm. I didn't even get a chance to talk to her. I need to leave. I lightly gave her a kiss on her temple and rushed out the door. 

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