1st April 2023
last night, after jude and i's date, he did come back to mine, we ended up having sex and he stayed the night.
we had such a good night, and it was nice waking up to him also.
he did us breakfast in the morning, we had waffles with fruit and syrup, and we chilled until he had to leave.
he left around 12pm, it is now 1pm and i have just finished getting ready to meet zayn at 3pm
i know!! i don't need the lecture!
i sigh to myself sat on my patio.
what is it i want??
surely i want jude?
we've been getting on so well lately, and i actually enjoy being around him. this is the second time we've had sex now, and last night it wasn't even because we were drunk, it was because we really wanted to.
but this whole zayn thing is pulling me back, i think.
the tears start to pool in my eyes.
zayn and i just weren't meant to be, he was definitely my first love, and i think i'll always love him. but maybe i could have something more with jude. something better?
i think about ringing jade. ringing beyoncé. ringing my mom.
but the only person who could really understand this now... is perrie.
i press her contact and ring her straight away. after a few rings, she picks up.
"afternoon anna!" she cheers done the phone
"sorry to call out of the blue perrie, i hope you aren't busy?" i questioned lightly
"no i'm doing nothing now, just got in from the park with axel about half hour ago. he's napping now."
"how adorable" i melt at that, axel, her son is adorable.
"i know! you need to meet him, you'd love each other!" she said happily making me smile "i'd love too, he's gorgeous" i complimented her and her son and she thanked me
"so what's up?" she asked and i sighed
"don't know whether you've seen, or heard..." i trailed ofd and look at a pretty little robin land in my back garden "but zayn is back, he's here in london" i said
"yeah, i saw" she trailed off softly
"hes been in touch with me, we've seen each other a couple of times" i admit to her and she stayed silent "hes not messing with your head is he?" she asked and i knew she was frowning
"a little" i admitted to her
"he wants to meet at 3pm today, at the studio." i confirmed to her, and she was silent
"what for?" she asked after a few quiet moments
"he never said." i shook my head and sip on my drink
"and you're meeting him?" she confirmed and i stayed silent
she sighed softly "what are you hoping to get out of this, anna?" she questioned me and i frowned "closer, maybe?" i suggest softly
"and has he given you that yet in the past two times you've met?" she questioned me and i nodded even though she couldn't see me "sort of," i nodded "yeah"
"so why meet him today?"
"to seal the deal i guess?? tell him that it really is over i guess" i shrug one shoulder
"and is it?"
"yeah"
"do you want it to be?" she asked softly.
this must be weird for her, me coming to her with problems about her ex. my ex. the ex we share.
"it has to be, perrie. it has to be over" i said softly
"don't do something you don't want to do" she said gently
i stayed silent
"i think im falling for jude" i admit softly
"so you two are the real deal?" she asked me "i think so" i confirmed
"so then zayn needs to be out of the picture" she confirmed "you'll never move on while he's lingering, it's what he was doing with me. anna." she said and i frowned "and i know you don't wanna hear that. he's smart, he knows the effect he has on women especially the women who he's been with.. be has us right under his tattooed fingers" she said and i nodded
"he was trying to sort things out with me when alex came on the scene, i shut him down but wished him the best, i wished him happiness.. that he clearly couldn't find with me" she said, but she didn't sound hurt or bitter. she's happy now, she's moved on.
i could be her, in 7 years time. with a fiance who adores me and a baby.
i won't find that with zayn, no matter how much i may want to.
"alex is my world" she said and i could tell she was smiling "i bet you're thinking what i'm thinking.. footballers have bad reps but.. jude seems head over heels for you. he could bring you the happiness that zayn can't" she said and i stayed silent
"i don't know zayn now. not anymore.. i don't even think i knew him back then, but he's always been for himself. he can be selfish at times, anna. you've gotta think, does he really want you? or just doesn't wanna see you with anyone else " she said, i seemingly disagreed
he wasn't like that, not anymore.
but in a sense, maybe he is.
he was selfish when he left me believing over the baby we lost.
i don't know.
"only you can decide on how you want your life to turn out." perrie said and i smiled
"i know. thank you" i said as i sip on my coffee
"i'm here, anytime you need me."
"same goes to you" i smiled softly
then i started thinking.
this is my chance of a fresh start.
a new life.
a new beginning.
and i don't think zayn can be apart of that.
it's jude.
"i've decided" i speak softly
"and..?" she questioned gently
"its jude" i confirmed out loud
"i'm happy for you.. what are you gonna do about zayn?" she wondered and i shrugged
"meet him at the studio.. tell him i can't do it, not now, not anymore. and tell him jude is what i want and need in my life now" i admit "and i'll tell him that, if anything, i still want to be his friend"
"if that's what makes you happy" she said and i smiled
"it will.. i think" i nod
"do it then. tell him. so you can move on with jude and focus on you two. that's what is important." she cheered and i smiled
"thank you perrie"
"no, thank you for feeling like you could trust and talk to me about this" she said and i smiled
"it wasn't weird?? didn't know whether you'd find it weird because.. its zayn" i made a face and sip on my coffee again, swallowing it
"i'm grown now, so is he. i don't hate him anymore, neither do i agree with what he did to me though. that was still a dick move" she said and i nodded "but, despite everything he put me through, i genuinely do want him to be happy, but i want you to be happy more than anything, and it won't be him"
"i know." i nodded with a smile "thank you."
"you're welcome"
"ill let you get off and chill then.." i trail off "i'll give you a message later and update you."
"please do. hope it all goes well, i know what he's like, he has a fiery attitude" she said and i giggled "doesn't he just"
"sure does!" she laughed with me
"see you later, anna, good luck"
"thank you. bye" i said, she then said bye and the call ended
it was now half 1 and i decided to head to the studio early.
even though i had finished my album, and the team was in process of sorting that out and making physicals out of it, i still wanted to create.
i could never stop creating.
YOU ARE READING
Ego (Jude Bellingham)
FanfictionAnastasia is a singer and model and has been signed to a label since she was 16 years old, now she is 20 years old and has the world in her hands. but, with that sort of fame, comes trouble.
