Play Me | BXB

twenty

Elliot

(TW: sensitive/triggering topic mentioned)

I had no idea why I panicked with him that day.

Truth be told, I didn't know why I do a lot of things that I do.

Answering his question wouldn't mean telling him everything, yet I still felt like I would be lit on fire.

I couldn't help, but feel bad, terrible almost about me running off like that and leaving him confused when he is already so confused by all of this.

I'm confused too.

I have been finding myself completely dissociating from the real world when I'm around him. It feels like nothing bad will happen nor nothing bad has ever happened. To me.

But when I come home or when I lay at bed late at night, the panic sets in and the memories start flooding back.

After everything that happened, I had never let myself to even go near being this close to anyone, being this present with them.

And we haven't even kissed.

I want to kiss him.

I think I want to kiss him more than I want anything in this world at the moment.

I want it more than my Sunday pancakes with blueberries. I want it more than my playdates with my little sister. More than looking at sunset at the beach. More than laying in a cozy and warm bed after a long day.

So I'm not confused about one thing.

I really like him.

A lot.

Really, really like him.

However I am scared. And I almost feel guilty that I feel scared, because for this exact reason I never let myself to like anyone. I never let anyone to like me. I don't want to hurt them by not being able to open up fully.

I don't want to hurt him.

I have never said those words out loud.

I have been raped.

Not to my own mother, not to my therapist. No one.

I'm sure Damian would understand me. He would understand all of it. Why I am scared of being intimate with someone. Why I run away. Why I am not comfortable talking about it.

And I really want to tell him. I want him to understand me!

I just don't know if I'll ever be able to.

———

I heard Damian beeping from outside for the third time already.

I was looking in the mirror, trying to fix my already fixed hair.

I was always nervous to see him, but I don't think I have ever been this nervous.

"Why do you keep that poor boy waiting for you still?" I heard mom's voice coming from the kitchen.

"Yeah, yeah.." I hummed.

"I'm going!" I let out all the air in my lungs snd opened the door.

I saw Damian leaning out from his car, so that I could see his torso and head only.

He had a big smile all over his face.

"Don't fall, don't fall.." I kept whispering to myself with my head kept low, focusing on every step I took.

"Good morning, Elliot." I heard his raspy voice and finally looked up.

"Hi." I squeaked.

Before he could say more, I was already in his car and buckling the seatbelt.

Damian got fully back in the car as well.

He started the engine, but his eyes never left my face.

"Hey, you alright?" His hand found mine, as he lightly squeezed it.

I nodded.

Damian sighed, but drove away from the sidewalk.

The ride to school wasn't long. About seven minutes.

I kept squirming in my seat.

"Um, did I do something wro.." Damian started to say, but I stopped him before he could finish his sentence.

"I don't know why I am this nervous!" I almost yelled out.

Damian smiled.

This soft small smile of his will be the death of me, I think.

"It's like I am meeting you for the first time." I blurted out.

"Hm, maybe it is, because you kissed me." He was biting his lip a little, but his mouth never lost the smile.

"It was a kiss on the cheek, calm down!" I chuckled, emphasizing the 'calm down'.

"Oh, yeah?"

I thought I could hear my heart jumping out of me.

"Are you flirting with me right now?" I managed to get out.

"We all have to start somewhere, right?" He winked at me, however that wasn't a very good wink, so we both ended up laughing.

I think my face got red as well.

We pulled into the school's parking lot.

When he stopped the engine, but didn't do nor say anything, just kept looking at me, I didn't know what to do.

"Should I wait a little after you get out and then leave?"

"After I get out from my own car? And then you get out from it and we pretend that we don't know each other?" He exclaimed and I put hands to my face.

I was sure my ears were red already.

"Well, then why are you just sitting here and staring?" I said looking at him through my fingers that were still half covering my face.

"You are just.. well.. beautiful." He shrugged his shoulders and got his hair out of his face.

"I like looking at you." He then whispered.

I was sure that I had stopped breathing.

"But you're right. We can't sit here all day."

I wanted to yell: "Please, why not?"

Suddenly he was leaning in.

And I didn't move an inch.

He looked into my eyes and then brushed through my hair with his fingers.

Slowly he removed my hands from my face. Or did I do that?

He cupped my face with his big hands before he leaned in even more, closing the distance between us and placing a soft kiss to my cheek. More like to the corner of my mouth.

I'm sure I felt his lips on mine a little bit.

"Don't ever ignore me again, please." He whispered to me with our foreheads pressed against each other's.

So after that, all that I could think about the whole following day was how I don't think that I would have moved even if he did actually kiss me.

I think that I would have actually kissed him back.