apocalypse, the answer

34.

RED WINDING THREAD

i couldn't understand why i was still alive. i laid in the road for days. i did not get up. my skin was hot and sweaty. i was sun burnt. i was pissing on myself. i was doing everything i right. but my body just wouldn't die. maybe i'm pathetic for not seeing a world without him. maybe i killed him in the fire. but he wouldn't have left me for this long. he would have never gone like this.

i sat up for the first time in what felt like weeks. it may have just been a day or ten. i would never know. i don't have my grandfathers notes. i burned them. i don't have my backpack or notebook. i burned them. none of that survival shit meant anything if he wasn't here surviving with me.

i sat up because i thought i heard someone calling my name. it was dark. i had rocks in my skin. i peeled them out. it was gross. i was gross. i killed eli. why did i do that?

i felt that sinking feeling in my stomach again as i heard my name being called loudly. i was laying in the median of the cul-de-sac. i wanted to die underneath the trees.

i couldn't see anything. it was too dark. i sat up and still saw nothing. just the burnt remains of that house a few houses down. elias is dead. i kept thinking about that. i was alone and elias was dead.

"sidney!" i hear a loud scream. loud and clear. it was my name. i was probably just hallucinating again. i laughed and shook my head. nobody knows my name but eli. nobody would know me here or find me here. nobody would know me unless they were him. but he's dead.

he's dead because i watched him die. he burned right in front of me. rather i like it or not that's just what's true. he left. he isn't ever coming back.

"sidney? God please," i heard a clatter. i sat up a little more. i squinted my eyes in the dark. i saw a silhouette of a man falling to his knees. big backpack on the ground.

maybe it was my dad? or God. God maybe? but God doesn't call out for himself. no. my dad doesn't live in illinois. it's not him. it's my eli. maybe.

i knew i was hallucinating but i didn't know if my heart could take that. i had already died without him. maybe i was really dead. maybe this street end is where we meet again.

so i shakily stood to my feet. i stumbled a few steps to get a better look.

it was dark. but the first thing i noticed about him was that he wasn't wearing a suit. he had a longer beard and his hair was messy. he was on his knees and he was crying. eli doesn't really cry. probably something i just made up in my head again right?

i stumbled and stumbled. i didn't say anything because i couldn't. i was too tired. and i genuinely believe that my screams broke my voice forever. at least that's what it felt like.

i was okay with dying now. i was going to make it to elias and then we would die together, just how it should be. like old people. like we got the chance to grow old.

this all made sense in my delusional, horrible, betraying mind of mine.

once a few feet away he raised his head because he heard my shuffles on the concrete.

i'll never forget the way he looked at me. his entire face was just pure and full of relief. he looked at me like i was the answer.

i think that's when i knew, with what little brain capacity left that i maybe wasn't sleeping or hallucinating. because only elias can make faces that i cant describe. only he can make me feel emotions so strong there aren't words for them. and only elias can make my heart pump like a high school kid again.

i was dying, but he brought me back to life again. just like he always does.

"i'm so sorry," he said it over and over as he rushed to me. and when i felt him holding me it was like the world stood still. he hugged me like i was the most important thing on earth. and i was in such a state of my trauma i couldn't say anything. i just fell asleep. and he just held me.

this is the end.