KIMCHAY TALES: BITTERSWEET EXCHANGE

CHAPTER 35

"I'll fool myself, he'll walk right in, and as the long long nights begin, I'll think of all that might have been. Waiting here forevermore..."

—

Kim is tired. From the deepest, darkest corners of his heart, Kim is extremely tired. He was emotionally and mentally exhausted. He can feel nothing but endless pain and despair. The peace. The warmth. The comfort. The love. Everything is gone. Kim's life ended the moment Porchay stepped out of their house. Porchay's words kept running in his mind like a broken record.

"For how long you have been fooling me, Kim?"

"But it doesn't change the fact that you're too cowardly to tell the truth to me!"

"You deceived me, Kim."

"I am tired, Kim. Please, let me go."

"There's nothing here worth keeping, anyway."

Porchay thought that Kim had been fooling him. Porchay said he was a coward for not telling him the truth. Porchay thought Kim deceived him. Porchay is tired and he wants Kim to let him go. Porchay said that there's nothing worth keeping in their house. Kim is not worth keeping for.

Maybe, Kim did. He just didn't realize it until it was too late. He fooled and deceived Porchay for his own selfishness. Maybe Porchay was right. It is not worth keeping Kim around.

It's been a week without Porchay. Everything in Kim's state has been the worst. He barely functioned. Big and his bodyguards almost carried him to his bed after what happened. He doesn't eat. He doesn't move from lying on his bed. He doesn't even bother to wash himself up. He remained curled up in his bed, clutching the pillow Porchay used. He kept it so close to him as Porchay's scent still lingered on it. It was the closest thing he could have with Porchay in it. Vanilla. The distinct scent of his sweetheart.

Kim literally cried every single day. He drained himself every day from crying until no more tears were left in him. He doesn't know that it would be possible for him to cry this much. So many tears were shed because of the mistake that he made. His pillows were always wet in tears. Kim often tires himself out with so much crying.

Kim heard his door opened and closed. He didn't give any attention to it. On the first days, he did, thinking it was Porchay finally coming home. Yet, it wasn't. Sometimes, it's Big. The first time his bodyguard went to his room after what happened was when Big confirmed that everything his father claimed was true. Kim has to confirm the truth about it, of course. He can't just let his father get into his head. He was hoping that maybe all of it was just a made-up story that his father had created. Yet, Big claimed that everything is true. All of it. Every single detail of it. It was devastating. Extremely heartbreaking.

Other than Big, it would be his brother Tankhun who will visit him on other days. Eventually, he stopped giving a fuck. He doesn't care anymore. He doesn't care who enters his room. If it wasn't Porchay, then he doesn't give a shit who it might be.

"Kim." a voice called him. It was Tankhun again. Kim didn't answer back. He just lay there in silence and emotionlessly stared at his wall. He felt one part of his bed dipped as Tankhun sat on it. He heard a soft sob coming from his brother. Tankhun is crying again. He has always been crying ever since his first visit. "Kim, please. Talk to me. You're scaring me. I am so scared, Kim. Please." his brother cried to him. Still, Kim didn't budge. There are no thoughts in his mind. No emotions in his heart. He was back to square one. However—this time, he doesn't know if he could ever get back to his feet. "Kim, you are acting like Mom before she died. Please, I don't want to lose you too." Tankhun continued and cried more.

Does that mean his time was almost to its end? Great. There's no more sense for him to live. The reason for him to go on was gone. He has no purpose anymore. Maybe Kim could just wait there until his heart stops beating and he slowly wilts away. Is his Mom going to be in heaven when he dies with her arms open and ready to welcome him? Kim doesn't think so. He was certain that he wouldn't go to heaven. Kim deserves to be in hell. He was pretty sure he already had a special spot down there.