KIMCHAY TALES: BITTERSWEET EXCHANGE

CHAPTER 37

"You don't lose hope, love. If you do, you lose everything."

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Chay felt so numb and so exhausted. He had never felt such feelings before mentally and emotionally. Every night he cries himself to sleep. Every night he wished that this was all just a bad dream. Every night he prayed to every god that existed in the world to take away the pain in his heart. Every night he whispers to the stars to heal his fragile and broken little heart.

Every time Chay cries, he often clutches his chest as if it were squeezing his heart agonizingly. His sobs were so deep and so painful that it was making him breathless. Still, Chay tried to cry as silently as possible. Silent cries were the loudest screams for help. Chay needed someone and that someone wasn't even beside him; that someone hurt and betrayed him, and that someone was the person he loved the most.

"God," Chay mentally started, "Please, take away the pain in my heart. It hurts. It hurts so bad." he silently prayed. Chay couldn't exactly rely on his brother at that moment, knowing that both of them were dealing with the same situation. It was quite a surprise to Chay knowing the relationship between Kinn and Porsche. Though, he couldn't really blame him for it. You can't really stop loving someone despite who they are.

Chay used to have a mother. He used to have a father. He used to have a complete and happy family. Within a glimpse, they are all gone. His childhood was never the same. He has to live in fear that maybe one night his brother is dead or maybe one day a loan shark will invade their house and kill him. Following the passing of their parents, his life was never the same anymore.

Pain. It was exhausting to deal with. He doesn't know how to make it go away. It was unbearable, clawing him from the inside out. It was torturous. Eventually, Chay embraced the pain; letting it linger in him and consume him to the point that it makes him numb. He felt empty. He felt nothing.

Chay hardly moved at all. He often spends his time on his bed. He spends his day listening to his phone ring over and over again, staring at the caller ID blinking on the screen. My love Kim. The ringing never ends. It was always like that during the day and he didn't do anything but stare at it. Then, the calls will stop. The silence and loneliness envelop him again during the night.

Chay can't help but stare at his ring, the one that Kim gifted him. He stared at it day and night, filling his mind with their memories. He can't find himself removing it. He can't imagine himself without it. He promised that he'll keep it and he did. The black ring kept shining from his faint room light. It always reminds him of Kim's dark eyes that often shine when he stares at him. The ring gave him so many memories despite having it in a short period of time. He doesn't know if he wants to give it back to Kim. If he does, it feels like letting him go. Does he want to let go of Kim?

Everything was still painful, but he hated to admit that he missed Kim so much. Yes, the pain of betrayal was agonizing, but the pain of being away from Kim was tormenting. He misses him so badly that it is way more painful in his heart. He misses his kiss. He misses his touch. He misses his warmth. He misses his voice. He misses his laugh. Kim is always there in him; in his dreams, in his mind, and in his heart. How come no matter how angry he could get to Kim, he still longs for him?

A knock on his door cuts Chay's internal trance. He slowly sat up and said, "Come in." Porsche enters the room, a bowl of snacks on hand. His brother was no better than him. Chay could really see the sadness in his eyes despite the smile beaming on his face. It was hard for him too. It was just that Porsche handled things better than him. In his brother's words, "We had overcome more problems before, Chay. We could overcome this too." Chay wanted to believe that, but this one involved their parents, this was a different one. It is way more insufferable than loan sharks asking for payments of their debt. This involves Kim's family and how they turned their lives upside down in a glimpse.