LEILA

9. showers and tears

LEILA

The sound of the shower keeps on ringing in my ears, lukewarm droplets of water trickling down on my blonde, wet, tangled hair then races down to hit the cold flooding floor of my bathroom.

I’ve been standing under the shower for what seemed like hours, occasionally looking at the clear water going down the drain, or my pale feet, or my toenails painted in a dark shade of red that was starting to fade.

I feel miserable.

I don't know where this sadness was exactly coming from. I’ve been trying to figure out for days. Torturous, forlorn, long days. I just feel so empty inside me. Whatever I do, my mind will always find a way to drift off into somewhere, and before I knew it time had passed me by. I feel like a fucking mannequin. Sometimes I even wonder if my heart is still functioning well, so I put my hand over my chest and feel my heart beating slowly. Then I will mutter to myself, "Oh, I actually still have a heart."

A sickening feeling starts to well up inside, then I feel my vision starting to blur despite it already being blurry because of the shower's water. My shoulders start to shake then. I bring my hands to my face before the much awaited sob escapes out of my lips.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" I whined to myself, biting my lip hard like it will take control of my emotions. But then again, I forgot that what I’m doing will only cause pain.

And I already am in pain.

So I continue looking down on the flooded floor for the nth time, silently crying, until I hear a noise outside the door.

"Leila? You in there? It’s Kellin."

I grip the handle of the shower and turn it around, silencing the whole bathroom. I hear the drain sipping down the water, forming a little tornado until the water were all drained out.

"Sis?" he calls out once more, this time trying to open the door. But it's locked, of course.

"Y-yeah?" I croak out, sliding down the cold tiled wall and not even attempting to move or open the door for him. "What do you need?"

"You’ve been in there for two fucking hours and I know that something's definitely up. Come out, please."

Another sob escapes this time and I reluctantly got up, knowing that I’ll have to deal with this irritating feeling sooner or later. Might as well figure it out now with the help of my older brother.

I dried myself with the help of my pink towel and put on some big, comfortable shirt on my freezing body. After a few minutes I got out of the bathroom and laid down on my queen sized bed, not even bothering to glance at my brother who's just standing outside the bathroom door looking at me.

"Your eyes are all red and puffy. What’s up?" he asks again, following me to my bed. He pulled one leg up then leaned on the headboard. “Tell me.”

"I don't even know." I mumble, concentrating on stopping the tears that are threatening to form in the sides of my eyes. He can't see me crying. He’ll use his song lyrics as an advice to me again and I’m not putting up with that shit.

"You’ve been crying and you don't know why, Leila? That’s sick!" he chuckles, and now I finally look at him to give him a venomous glare.

"Shut the fuck up, Kellin." I snap, angry tears running down on my face. I choke on a sob. Fuck. I couldn't even keep my façade for long.

He gasps as he realizes I really am crying, and he immediately scoots closer to me and engulfs me in a warm hug. Oh, no. not this act.

My cries only got louder until I was shaking uncontrollably, still pressed against my brother's chest.

"Leila, c'mon, what's wrong? I just got back from touring not long ago, and now that I checked up on you I find you looking like a mess." his voice cracks in worry and that tugs at my heart. He presses me closer to him this time and I did not hesitate to wrap my arms around his waist.

"I just don't know what to do! I- I’ve got a lot on my plate right now. I have such a shitty life that I want to run away-"

"Running away won't solve your problems, little one. And you do know that, right?"

I sobbed. "I- I know... but then what am I supposed to do? Deal with my friends who know nothing but brag about their hot boyfriends and their active sex life then get good grades on tests because of cheating?"

"In short, you have shitty friends. Stay with Kendall Jenner." he said in a serious face, and he obviously meant Kendie, my best friend for years.

"I know right." I chuckled darkly and broke the warm hug he's giving me. I hate being affectionate with my brother but I really appreciate his hug right now. I needed this.

"So what exactly is your problem, Leila? You don't have a hot boyfriend like them to brag about? I can find you one! You want Brendon Urie of panic! at the disco? Someone from bring me the horizon? They’ll cry blood if they ever finds out." he suggested with a smug face.

A small smile spread on my lips but it disappeared as quickly as it formed. "I lost my innocence to my professor, Kellin. And I was drunk. Real hard."

His jaw dropped and I saw the shade of his eyes darkening as the words sink in his brain.

"Are you serious?!" he suddenly hollered, shouting right at my face. I looked down on my lap and grabbed a pillow to hug. Please, I don't want any more sermons about this. I’ve had enough and I know that I just made the biggest mistake of my life.

"I am!" I spat, abruptly wiping my endless tears. "You know that I’m a very seductive and naughty drunk! I fucking messed everything up with my professor last week!"

“How fucking old is he? I’m going to press charges- he could’ve taken advantage of your body and-“

“I believe not.” I mumbled while staring down at my lap. “He’s- he’s twenty one and he’s a gentleman.”

"WHICH PROFESSOR IS IT?! I'M GONNA HIT HIM SO HARD HE'LL WAKE UP WITH AMNESIA!" he insists, totally frustrated by now. I notice his arms shaking violently in his sides, like it's waiting for the perfect chance to land on something or hit someone square in the face.

I snapped.

"LUKE IS NOT THE FUCKING PROBLEM, IT'S ME, KELLIN! I WANT TO SHOW HIM OFF IN SCHOOL AND TELL EVERYONE THAT HE'S MINE BUT WE'RE NOT EVEN TOGETHER AND IT'S NOT ALLOWED AND WE JUST HAD SEX WHILE DRUNK AND YET I ALREADY BECAME CLINGY EVEN THOUGH IT DIDN'T REALLY MEAN ANYTHING AND I FEEL JEALOUS OF ALL MY SHITTY FRIENDS WHO GOT BOYFRIENDS THAT THEY CAN SHOW OFF TO THE WHOLE FUCKING WIDE WORLD WHILE I'M HERE GETTING EMOTIONALLY FRUSTRATED OVER SOMETHING THAT IS SO FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE TO HAPPEN!"

Silence took over for a very long while and it was just me and him dumbly staring at one other. I completely broke down in tears. No, this was what I was trying to stop since I left Luke’s car. Almost a week had passed- it can't be happening! I can't let this all out now!

Leila you are so stupid.

I covered my face with my hands, crying harder now that I just realized what the real deal was all about. This was it. This was the reason. I want to hold onto him. He’s become a permanent part of me.

"And what is that too much of an impossible thing to happen?" Kellin suddenly whispers, still not moving in his place.

I jumped on his arms and wailed in despair. I sucked in a breath before letting out all of my truth.

"I don't want it to be a one-time thing, Kellin... I really don't!"